Episode 7 - But When Am I Suppose to Take Care of Me

speaker-0: Welcome to Even If the Special Needs Parenting Podcast. I'm Michaela.

speaker-1: And I'm Raya.

speaker-0: ⁓ friend. How are you? Sub of the morning to I don't think it works when it's the afternoon.

speaker-1: Hello. ⁓ Yeah, when it's almost three in the afternoon.

speaker-0: I know. I feel like it's the morning. I'm so tired. But it's Labor Day weekend. I'm so excited. Yeah. I need an extra day.

speaker-1: Which I mean

speaker-0: We're not gonna get to enjoy it, but whatever. ⁓ Sit in my room and write all day. ⁓ Yes, I have major deadlines I have to get done. I have to have my first three chapters turned and done by the end of December. And then I have to defend in January. I know. I'm I'm mentally just not even remotely at capacity to figure out how I'm gonna do all this in a semester. ⁓

speaker-1: Why, what are you gonna do tomorrow? Know how to do it, so

speaker-0: Well, I haven't done it yet, so that's a sign that I have

speaker-1: But you've ⁓ but you have gone back you have gone back to school and done stuff before and I don't know how you do it.

speaker-0: Schooled for eighty seven years. School my whole life. I'm ready to be done. I'm so burned out. And I just did it to myself. I'm yeah a glutton for punishment, I guess. Yeah.

speaker-1: So no desire to go back to school.

speaker-0: I did at one time. I have no desire anymore. I just have the desire to finish school. Yeah.

speaker-1: Because how much how much do you have left? When should you be done?

speaker-0: I mean if I can stay on this timeline maybe May. But I should have been done a year and a half ago. Yeah. And then Dawson, you know, life with the special needs kid and health and hospital appoint you know, all the things. Everything just kept getting pushed back and I just did not have motivation to just do anything. But

speaker-1: Okay. Then you're doc but this doctorate, right? Yes. PhD. PhD. I will not call you

speaker-0: This is Yeah. You better. I earned it. You call me doctor, sister.

speaker-1: Sister. I don't call Gideon Doctor either. So sorry.

speaker-0: Okay. Guess that's fine. So this month, ⁓ is mental health self care month. Not like in the real world, but not in the podcast world, because we did a poll on social media ⁓ where people could vote on like heavier topics that deserve obviously more than one episode about. So we put this one as an option and marriage and relationships as another option and This one definitely won by a landslide. Yeah. It was there was like no competition at all. So I I mean that obviously is a sign to me that it is something that doesn't get talked about, needs to be talked about, everyone takes seriously and is struggling with. So ⁓ it's definitely one that the next three episodes are gonna be, you know, more in depth on specific topics and areas. This one's basically just more of a you know, overview just kind of why it's important, why it's not talked about, and what to expect, you know, moving forward to the rest of the month. So ⁓ so with that said, before we transition into it, why did you cry this week?

speaker-1: I did. I had so my house got painted like three years ago. And I had all of our family the inside, the inside. I have a ⁓ a hallway that had like family pictures from years on the wall. Well, when it got painted, I took ⁓ all down. Been in a cabinet for three years. So I've literally not seen these pictures for three years. And I've been cleaning my house out and going through stuff and

speaker-0: Sigue. And they have been Make sure she's here.

speaker-1: ⁓ so I got all those pictures out this week and I'm listening to my Christian music. It's blaring, you know. And ⁓ I put all the pictures on the floor and I'm just standing there looking at my pictures. And then Phil Wickham's song So So Good. Do you know that one?

speaker-0: I don't think so. Maybe if I heard it.

speaker-1: good upbeat song, but he's just basic, you know, you've been good. You've been so so good to me, you know. And so I'm listening, I hear that, and then I'm looking at my pictures and I just I'm just crying because he has been so so good to me. I was like I have much to complain about. I know it's hard sometimes, but it's like he is good.

speaker-0: I'm just like You're standing there.

speaker-1: Yeah. ⁓

speaker-0: ⁓ Someone came in and just saw you staring at all your pictures.

speaker-1: I was I like I just like had my hands on my hips and I just was looking at all my pictures and I was like, I can't believe I haven't put these up in three years.

speaker-0: He'd take new ones and put them up.

speaker-1: I know and so they're back on my wall and then I'm like, I'm we're gonna get some new pictures and I'm gonna print more pictures 'cause I like seeing my family.

speaker-0: Funny. Yeah, I you know, cell phones, the cloud, Google Photos, all those things. They're nice to have. ⁓ I have what's it called? Where you it shows like all the the past pictures of this day, you know, so many years ago or whatever. What's that called? Time hop. So I was on Google Photos popped up and it showed memories, you know, this day so many years ago, and one was of Dawson, and it was when he was just I mean, you remember how he used to be ⁓ yes the happiest, most full of life, just laughed about everything and he was just sitting there laughing hysterically and I just lost it because I hadn't heard him laugh like that in almost two years now. So I mean and people that have been around and kind of, you know, been there with us from the beginning with him. I mean, I feel like, you know, I could be speaking out of turn when I say everyone loved Dawson's laugh. ⁓ but you know I feel like everyone loved and liked getting updates and videos of him just laughing hysterically all the time and you know, that's I don't you know, I can't say if I feel like that's ever gonna come back or not. Yeah. So I think it's also the not knowing, ⁓ that also hit me too. So but then at the same time I'm like I'm glad I have these memories. Yeah. ⁓ you know, so it was like, you know, a double whammy. So yeah.

speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. We would do whatever whenever we would be together over Thankmus for us, Thankmus. ⁓ whatever we could do to make him laugh and it was always the weirdest things that would just sneak him off and make him laugh so much.

speaker-0: Laugh so easily too. I mean you tried very hard. You got you had a sneeze and that was it.

speaker-1: I know, yeah. Especially your sneeze. Your sneeze and Byron blowing his nose was no.

speaker-0: Well when you when you honk like a goose when you blow your nose, it's hard not to laugh about it. Love you, Iron. So transitioning out of why we cried this week, 'cause obviously, ⁓ I feel like, like you said, there's gonna be days I feel like I cry easier when my mental load when I'm more exhausted, more tired, you know, just feel like it's a lot easier.

speaker-1: Yeah.

speaker-0: to be more emotional about things when we're just so worn down, which happens all the time. Yes. For all of us as parents, especially with the the kids that we have in general. So caregiver mental health deserves definitely probably more than a month worth of conversations, but we also don't want to bore y'all with the same topic over so but it's I mean, it is one of those things I think that just it affects you basically like just

speaker-1: Yeah.

speaker-0: To your core, to your soul as a person. Just the the emotional, physical, mental, socially, spiritually aspect that some of so many of us go through on a regular basis. And it's not like it's some people, yes, it's a season. Some seasons are harder than others, but there's so many of us where it's it's life and it's forever. Yeah. Like it's not a season. It's the whole season of our life. Yeah. And that's when it gets to the point where it seems like there's no way out of it. So and I think it's easy to be so caught up in it so much that you you don't even realize that you're drowning or that you need help or you're or you're past the point of where you are able to come out of it, if that makes sense. So you're just

speaker-1: Yeah. Too far or too deep.

speaker-0: Yeah. Because I mean when when do we ever have time to just come up and stop and look around and take a break when we're just in the trenches of everything that we have to do with our kids day after day after day? Yeah. Is there a time when you first realize that caregiving or, you know, parenting? ⁓ I say caregiving just because we also have caregivers that aren't parents, you know, that are family members or, you know, other dynamics. So, ⁓ is there a time when you felt like it was affecting your mental health?

speaker-1: the thing, like you said, like a lot of times you don't see it when you're in it. And sometimes if it is a season and you're past that season, you can look back and be like, man, I really was not in a good spot during that time frame. I don't know. I know like when my kids were really, really young, like right after Lucy's diagnosis, I mean that's always a hard that was always just a hard time. Probably for that whole year. And then the same with Lincoln. Lincoln being born and then getting his diagnosis and having to go to Denver so many times that first year. Yeah. That was not easy. And just appointments and different things. And then I didn't know what Lincoln would look like. ⁓ even though he got treatment early. I mean, there still was the un unknown with

speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah.

speaker-1: I know right after Yes, right after Lucy's first back surgery, 'cause that was twenty nineteen, she was only six. Lincoln was like two. I mean, that was just it was just miserable for like three months. I just I I I feel like I was in a pretty bad depression during that time frame because it just was so and I wasn't working, I was home with them, but it was ⁓

speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's the same thing over and over and over. And that's all you were doing was caregiving. Yeah. Do you think special needs parents in general, all of us? I mean, I know the answer to this question. Are we think we're just so used to feeling overwhelmed and stressed and anxious all the time that we don't know any different? Yeah. I feel like I live in a constant buzz of anxiety. And I'm like, I don't even know.

speaker-1: Absolutely.

speaker-0: What my body's supposed to feel like not feeling anxious all the time. Yeah. Yeah. You know that weird stress buzz that you feel, like it's almost like my body's just used to it. And if I ever lost it, I probably go through withdrawals. Yeah. Because it's just there all the time. Yeah.

speaker-1: And that's hard because it's just I don't know what you do.

speaker-0: ⁓ wait nothing yeah yeah.

speaker-1: It's fight or it's that fight or flight, you know, you you're just on edge constantly.

speaker-0: Yeah. Well, and you know, there's so many of us that deal with just physical aspects, and there's those of us that don't deal with physical aspects when it comes to having a kid who's on ambulatory or you're having to do all the physical things for ⁓ you know, that's added stress to itself, but the mental load is what is the big issue when it comes to overall, you know, self care mental health. I don't know any of us that don't do just every single thing from sun up to sundown. Yeah. That don't we're not constantly thinking about every aspect of the day from start to finish. Doctor's appointments. My chart. ⁓ my gosh, I constantly get all the updates. I'll give a message or this on the my chart going, and I'm gonna have like I'm in the middle of work and I'm like, I'm not checking his my chart right now because whatever it says is gonna add more stress to my day. So what is it? I'm just like slide, don't wanna see you.

speaker-1: Yes. It's usually like this is your estimated bill for your upcoming procedure. You're like, I don't want to look at.

speaker-0: Or I get an alert, your bill pay has been processed. Well, I don't wanna see what my bank account looks like now. Yeah. Yeah. You know, just school, nonstop, school, therapies, insurance, equipment, paperwork. Just it's it's just nonstop. Parenting in general. Like we know we signed up for things that come with being a parent. But you know, if you don't know you're gonna have a kid with special needs. We initially quote unquote sign up for what we've been given, right? I mean, we signed up to have the kids who will eventually leave the house one day and go on and be functional adults and live on their own. And the majority of us are not gonna have an empty nest and have that life. You know, and I'm not afraid to say that wasn't the life I signed up for. No. You know, I I didn't, which obviously when you go to have a kid.

speaker-1: Email them.

speaker-0: you automatically increase your chance of having a kid with special needs than when you didn't have one before. But that's not where our brain goes when we're excited about being pregnant and having a baby and having a family. You know? So that in itself messes with your mental health and then all ⁓ of this other stuff that's just piled on top of it.

speaker-1: Family. Yeah. on top of it and that's on top of laundry and dinner and groceries and dishes people pick up and cleaned up and money and just you know all right paycheck to paycheck or however you have to deal with stuff and vehicles and car payments and house payments and yeah it it just it's you have all that just being a normal citizen ⁓ you know

speaker-0: H An adult adult wanna be

speaker-1: Adulting more but then you add hospitals and insurance and phone calls and formulas and prescription, you know, whatever else you have to add to everything else that we have to do. And it's just like ⁓ your mind is just all day long. Yeah.

speaker-0: Yeah. day long. Nonstop. I mean twenty four seven. Even when we have a if you ever have a chance to relax or do anything for yourself, I've s it's always still there in the back back of your mind. Yeah. Everything you have to do the next day, everything you have to do. Yeah. It's it's it's a never ending cycle that no one teaches you how to deal with. No.

speaker-1: Yeah, we I can't remember what day it was. Byron and I got in the pool for maybe like thirty minutes and we were just talking and I was like, Okay, tomorrow I'm gonna clean the bathrooms and then I still have two loads of laundry to do and then I've gotta go get my car registration and then I and he's just like, ⁓ okay.

speaker-0: He's like, That's not why we're here.

speaker-1: But this is what I'm thinking about because

speaker-0: Yeah. I don't know. Maybe that's the difference between men and women. I don't know. It could be. But yeah, my brain never stops. Yeah. Ever. It's a lot of added pressure because we have to be the people who can't forget. We have to be the people who stays on and with it every second of the day. We have to be the people who have to always be available or who cannot fall apart. Because if we fall apart, then everything else falls apart. And that's just more added pressure. That deals with your mental health whenever you realize I can't be the parent that falls apart because then everything else in life falls apart if we fall apart. Is there something that's always running through your mind when you're supposed to be relaxing? Or was that like a perfect example, right?

speaker-1: No, I think that was, yeah, yeah. I think that was like that literally just happened just a couple of days ago. I I do. Like I I just feel like anytime even if I'm maybe trying to read something or there's always a to do list or there's always something that I need to do or I might sit down and I will get up immediately because I just remembered, ⁓ I gotta go do this real quick. And so then I haven't sat down. Yeah. And then go, yeah.

speaker-0: I get up.

speaker-1: And then if you

speaker-0: You're the one who forgets to eat.

speaker-1: I ha I am better about that. But there are times that like like I won't eat lunch until one or later. ⁓ and I've been hungry because ⁓ I'm gonna put up one more load of laundry and then I'll eat or I'm gonna do this and then I'll do this. Yeah.

speaker-0: Yeah, I'm not the person who forgets to eat. I like eating way too much. Well I do too. ⁓ Do you think that there's something like part of the mental load that we go through all day, every day, that other people just aren't aware of or that they don't realize that it's something that is never ending for us?

speaker-1: No. assume that our our normal parenting thought process that other people doing air quotes. Yeah. Our normal parenting thing that we have to worry and deal with, you know, like I said, laundry and and do it cooking dinner and all those things. I mean everyone has to has that mental load. But I do think people probably don't understand all the other added extra stuff.

speaker-0: We have to I mean to I have burnt and I I'm a cooker, chef, not a cooker, whatever the word is. I like to cook. You're good at it. And I have burnt a lot of meals in the kitchen. Dawson's right there in the living room where I can see him out of the kitchen and he's having a seizure or he's throwing up or something's happening and I have to rush to take care of him. ⁓ guess what? Food gets left. On the burner 'cause I'm in you know, survival mode with my kid and then I turn around and I'm like Well, y'all are eating this regardless because I meal prepped or meal planned for two weeks and we have to eat the groceries I bought, so

speaker-1: Sorry about ya. And where is where is Darby manning the food?

speaker-0: Well, you know, she's in high school and has all the things going on. You know, easier said than done, and the 18-year-old has a job. So it's also one of those situations where, you know, it's not always conducive to having other people help. Dealing with all that on a regular basis, you know, like other parents do, I think there's also a difference between just being tired. Everyone's tired. Everyone has a lot going on in their life, and I don't ever want to diminish what everyone in general is dealing with.

speaker-1: I know. I know.

speaker-0: when it comes to just being tired and having a lot on their plate. But there's a difference between tired and just like straight up depletion. Yeah. Where we're depleted of everything, every ounce of energy or life that we have to give. Have you ever

speaker-1: Realized you were not just tired?

speaker-0: ⁓ my gosh. Yeah. Just, you know, and I'm tired all the time. I could fall asleep if I sit still. I went and watched Spider Man. And I love Spider-Man. Okay. I love the old school Avengers and I kind of equate him to part of that since he was in some of the bit. I love I love the storyline. Went and watched it with my kids in the theater. I fell asleep. And it wasn't because I didn't enjoy it, because if I sit still Where I don't have to in that moment worry about Dawson or anything, I'm gonna fall asleep. Yeah. Because I'm tired all the time. Nonstop. If I am a passenger princess and I am not driving, if I sit in a moving vehicle longer than ten minutes, I've all

speaker-1: Yeah. ⁓ me too.

speaker-0: Ridiculous. And my kids are just like, Mom's asleep in the movie again. I'm like, yes, I paid thirty dollars for a nap.

speaker-1: Hey, it may it may have been worse that you might

speaker-0: Baby birthday. ⁓ my gosh. And I know that's that's just straight up sleepy tired, but just I mean and I wouldn't say it's all the time because again there are seasons in life where it's not as exhausting as others. But I mean there was a couple years I stayed sick because my body was just so worn out and run down. It did not matter. I mean I don't even get a full five hours of sleep at night. And if I do, it's not consecutive. And even five hours isn't even that much. You know, it's like an hour here, thirty minutes here. It's you know. So yeah, I definitely have gone through those stages when I'm not just tired that it's it's more like survival mode. Yeah. Do you feel like there's warning signs that we as parents tend to just ignore? I mean, besides just the regular tired.

speaker-1: yeah. Cause I'm like you said, there's being tired as a parent, especially whenever your kids are involved in things and you're like, ⁓ we got we gotta go to this practice and we gotta go to this, or you know, sometimes that's put upon yourself because some people put their kids in everything. Just like you kind of have done that to yourself. Your kids don't have to do everything.

speaker-0: Yeah. Well, that's the life in a small town too. They're involved in everything. Yeah. But they need to become the presidents one day. And you have to know how to do all these things if you're going to be the president.

speaker-1: Yeah, I think, you know, like if you're normal disposition, which I know for me is I feel like I'm usually a pleasant person, but I know there's times in the past where, you know, you're overwhelmed and you're irritable and like everything sets you off. And like I know there's been so many times where I just want to get something done. I just want to get one task done. And I can't ever get it done and I get interrupted and I just snap. Like I'm just a snappy, grouchy person and I

speaker-0: Towards the wrong person usually. Yeah.

speaker-1: Yes. And you like or just dreading things. Like even dreading going and doing something that you normally should be excited about. Going and hanging out with some friends. Like there's been so many times I'm just like, I don't even want to go. I don't even want to do anything. Because

speaker-0: Hanging out with friends would actually be good for your mental health, but then Friends, what is friends? But n or do you feel guilty? Yeah.

speaker-1: Hanging out with friends would be good. Yes. And guilty because you do want time away and you need that, you know, do you feel guilt because of that? I it's there's a lot.

speaker-0: ⁓ yeah. I know. It's never ending. And it's I mean, it's really hard to put into words unless you live it and experience it. And you can just look at the eyes of another special needs parent and be like, Yeah, I get it. Yeah. I I don't even have to explain it to you in words because you get it. Because there's I mean, at the end of the day I feel like there's always words. You know, those

speaker-1: Gotcha.

speaker-0: In the mental health field, you know, the psychiatrists, the psychologists who deal with all of this on a regular basis. I'm sure they have all the clinical words and terminology to describe it. But to those of us living in every day, I'm like, screw your medical terminology because it sucks. And I'm tired of it. Yeah.

speaker-1: The the R words are suck, okay?

speaker-0: Yes. Yes. Thank you very much.

speaker-1: That's our medical terminology for you.

speaker-0: I mean, the end the day, it does. It just does suck that we have to deal with this all the time, nonstop, forever. And that there's times and it just doesn't seem like we can ever get a break, that we can ever just stop and clear our heads and just take a break. Yeah. You know, it just and it's not fair. And I, you know, and I definitely know that, you know, I have a supportive spouse and you have a supportive spouse. So there's times when we are able to get breaks and we're able to go and do things and vice versa and all of that. But you know, there are families that don't. There are p single parents. There are people that literally never get a break. And those are the ones that I wish I could just make the world perfect for. Yeah. And there'd be some way for them to be able to get a break.

speaker-1: Yeah. Especially if, you know, if you would think if they if their kid was was in a in a way where they they could get a nurse or something like that if they don't have a spouse that can help them. But I know that doesn't always get to happen.

speaker-0: Well, and it doesn't help that we hear these little snippets from people who mean well and who wanna say, ⁓ well, you gotta make sure you take time for yourself or you can't pour from an empty cup. And I have said you can't pour from an empty cup to friends and people. And I mean, it's true, but who filling the cup up? We can't fill it up ourselves. You know what I mean? Like and that was supposed to sound, you know, very, you know articulate and it just sounded dumb. But but it's true. Like you can't pour from an empty cup, but there's no way to fill a cup when you never get a break. Yeah. But I And there's no one helping you fill it. Yeah.

speaker-1: I do know the times whenever I did feel just completely overwhelmed and there wasn't any time to go do anything just on my own or for myself. As a Christian, even if you can just have those few moments of just either praying or being in the word, that to me is the only way you will sometimes just get that cup filled. Because that's the only have that reassurance that you're not alone. Even some even there's, you know, in the eleven years of since Lucy's diagnosis, I know that that is

speaker-0: By way.

speaker-1: Definitely been an up and down roller coaster for me because sometimes it's not easy to just even find time to just sit down.

speaker-0: Well, there's just there's just too much. It's just you just never feel like you could find your way out of broken systems with insurance and medical bills and nursing shortages shortages and finance there's a lot of people that listen that are believers and are in the word and know that they get all of their hope and their joy and comfort from him, but at the end of the day, they're still stuck in that hole that they still can't get out of from a physical perspective. Yeah. Spiritual one, yes, but the physical one when that's never ending, then it's like, how do I still navigate that from a spiritual standpoint, but put it into realistically making my life to where I'm not drowning all the time. Yeah. And that's I mean, that's that's hard to battle too, you know? 'Cause there's also people that want to go to church and they're dying to go to church, but they can't go to church because they can't find a church that supports their child or because they're just not able to leave their house depending on what's going on with their kid. Yeah. And that makes it hard too. That snowball effect of just

speaker-1: Never and then you feel guilty because you're not going to church. Yeah, you want to.

speaker-0: Well and I've always my thing has always been reading books and taking a bath. And I am able to thankfully do that at the end of a day, usually after everyone's in bed, and then I'm up late and then I don't get to sleep on time and then I'm exhausted because I don't go to bed, but I need the quiet time. I need that time at the end but at the end of the day, yes, that's nice for a quick fix. Spa days and bubble baths and all that still doesn't fix the chronic problem that's still

speaker-1: It's an endless cycle. Yeah.

speaker-0: Going to always be there.

speaker-1: Yeah. And you do pretty good. I feel like you do pretty good sometimes or you have seasons where you go hang out with some friends, you have some girlfriends that you'll go and do stuff with and y'all go eat dinner or whatever and that's always good to just

speaker-0: Yeah. Well the only reason I'm able to do that is because of my husband. Yes. I d there's a lot of people that don't have supportive spouses or don't have spouses and you know, they're alone taking care of their kids. So ⁓ you know, sadly, yeah, I'm very blessed in that regard. And then I have people that invite me to go places because sometimes I'm like, I'm alive today, are y'all sure y'all wanna hang out with me? And

speaker-1: Yeah. Do you wanna be my friend?

speaker-0: Like I'm very needy. That's how I am when I see other special needs parents in the wild, especially those that have cere kids with cerebral palsy. I'm like, friend. And then I'm the weirdo who wants to go up to ⁓ and talk to ⁓ and learn all the things about their kid and be their like overexcited special needs friend. I think one of the the main issues too is, you know, we we realistically know. I think we all know at the end of the day, realistically. We have to take care of ourselves. That we can't take care of our kids if we don't take care of ourselves. Yeah. But one of the main things that comes of that is guilt. I feel guilty about like I felt guilty leaving Dawson whenever I went to Ireland for my birthday. You know, I felt bad leaving him for a month. Granted, he didn't know I was gone, but

speaker-1: With his aunt and he was just fine.

speaker-0: I know, but there was still a part of me that's like he he is this very medically complex kid. I have known what he's done every single day of his life. Like the only time I wasn't around him was when he was with his father and that was it, and we were together. So, you know, the whole time, yes, I had fun, I enjoyed myself, but there's still that nagging guilt to the back of my mind that just keeps rearing its ugly head, making me feel like I don't deserve to have a break for a week in another country. Because I have this kid who's here because I brought him into the world, but I'm the one who's supposed to take care of ⁓

speaker-1: I mean, I would think it is maybe a little easier to leave them with family. Like it's like some like like it's just like no, absolutely. And you know I know, so I'm like

speaker-0: I know. But it's it's still hard not to feel that way though. We live in a state that is so big. ⁓

speaker-1: Apart is the problem. So bad. But like I know

speaker-0: And we're like the complete opposite sides of it. That was dumb.

speaker-1: Like I had a f my friend, I can't say we were at an SMA conference three years ago, and she was talking about when her kid would go to MDA camp, she would peace out and she'd go fly to Mexico. Three years ago, I was just like, There is no way I could do that. Like, how do you do that? Like, how do you just drop your kid off at camp and then go to Mexico? Well, you know what? That's what I did this year. Yeah. Because

speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah. It was nice and you

speaker-1: I don't need it. I it was nice. And sometimes I feel like Byron, which you and Byron are very similar. Like bad maybe at first, but then once I was in Mexico, they're fine. They're ⁓

speaker-0: And then and then my brain would be going to what if something happens and I'm out of the freaking country? Like, what do I do?

speaker-1: Technically our flight would have been maybe two hours back home. So it wasn't terrible being in Mexico. In a European country, we were two hours away or however it was. But it's that was that was just so nice to just get it. And then of course when we got back, Lucy and Lincoln had the best week and it was, you know, it was fun to hear all the fun stuff that they did. Yeah.

speaker-0: Closer than Ireland. And then you don't feel guilty because you realize it was good for them too. Yes. No, I get it. And I feel like we all logically can have conversations when we know and we say with our mind, say say with our mouth and know with our mind. But that's at the end of the day, that doesn't mean that that's how it works in our lives. Because and then everyone's always like, ⁓ well, it takes a village. You gotta rely on your village. How many of us have villages? To be I mean, let's be honest. Not everyone has a village that they can turn to. I mean, my village, a lot of my village is on social media. Yeah. Just, you know, other families I get it that I know I that can relate and stuff. And and yes, we're in a situation where we have friends that I know I could call. Maybe not with Dawson or in certain areas with Dawson because his medical needs have gotten more. But you know, with my other two where I know, but not everyone has that. Yeah. So how how are parents supposed to do that when the village that the proverbial village doesn't exist for them? Or when there's people that would be there for ⁓ but they can't safely and efficiently care for their child. This is where it comes back to

speaker-1: You gotta put yourself in somebody else's shoes and that's that's hard 'cause

speaker-0: And those of us that are living it, we would be the ones who can relate and understand and would want to help because we know what it's like. But then we can't help because we got our own kids to worry about. Beautiful place that's not a cult at ⁓ all.

speaker-1: No. And it's a you would hope that they if they were a single parent, then maybe they do have family that is able to help. Or maybe they are in a position where they could get a nurse. Or maybe they do have a village. But I know I've seen so many comments and things on our ⁓ Facebook page that I know that there are some people that they

speaker-0: And that's that's where it lies in understanding that it's a problem and all of us knowing, but then it's like how? How are they supposed to get the help? How are they supposed to get the breaks? What they have to have done to be able to keep moving forward emotionally, mentally, physically, all these things when they are thrust into the situation where, you know, I know it exists, I know it happens. I wish I had an answer for how to make it better for ⁓

speaker-1: And maybe it is little like even like what you do little things like take a bath whenever the kid's in bed and have a nice book.

speaker-0: Yeah. Set of timers so you're not in there too long, so you don't stay up till you know too

speaker-1: ⁓ I'm sure most people are like us and they have monitors set up to where you just bring your monitor in your bathroom so you can listen for your kid if you need to get out. Or maybe you have a home gym. If you're like, I literally cannot leave to go to the gym and exercise, you know, I yeah, you know, I'm I'm thankful I can get up and go about six and go go to my little gym lasano athletics. That for five years, and that is definitely a part of part of my you know, helping my mental health is to go live. Yeah. But, you know, if if I wasn't where I could leave my house, I would get what I needed to get so I can do stuff at home.

speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I have a lot of free weights, but you know, you can only lift so heavy with dumbbells and then you know, I do videos online and it's better than nothing, but it's still not always cutting it. No.

speaker-1: 'Cause you you would do some good work getting you some some a squat rack and deadlift and squat and ⁓

speaker-0: No, I need something. Every time I'm exercising, if I've had a bad day, then I always think of Elle Woods and I'm like, Yeah. Exercise makes you happy or exercise causes endorphins. Endorphins make happy people. So I'm always like reminding myself that I gotta exercise, even if I don't want to, because I've had such a long day that it's still good for my brain to exercise.

speaker-1: You need those endorphins.

speaker-0: Why do you think why do you think makes it hard for parents, you know, dealing with what we deal with all the time to ask for help? What do you think what do you think keeps us from asking other people for for help? I

speaker-1: think you just don't want to burden other people.

speaker-0: Yeah.

speaker-1: you know, helping you out, whatever the whatever your scenario is. You just you don't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't know. And maybe it's just our maybe pride? Yes. I mean maybe it's our pride. ⁓ that

speaker-0: 'Cause we think we have to be able to do everything or we're not strong if we admit we need help. We can

speaker-1: Do it on our own. I don't know. You know, it was e it really was a l a lot easier for us to get babysitters and to get people to keep our kids if we needed to go on a date or do something when they were younger. You would think that would have been harder, but since Lucy was smaller.

speaker-0: Yeah. She was able to tend too.

speaker-1: She was easier to tend to and take her to the bathroom and over. You know, now she's about 60 pounds, which I'm like, that's really not that heavy. But ⁓ when we went to the hospital, she was about six pounds. But, you know, not everyone can pick her up and take her to the bathroom at that weight.

speaker-0: Already sixty pounds? She was Yay. Yeah. Sixty pounds does not seem heavy to me though. So I'm like, why can't you pick up a six because to have most normal jobs, in the job description it says you have to lift fifty pounds. Yeah. So that's why I'm like, sixty pounds is normal everyday stuff. Yeah. That's two gallons of milk, you know. I don't make

speaker-1: Not bad. Think about the milk we twenty-five pounds a gallon. Some heavy milk. Yeah, yeah, 'cause at the school once she was past fifty, they were like, Well now she needs a two person lift at school. ⁓ yeah, that's I think it's in like the rule.

speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah, no. C E A, I'm sure it's in the goblins.

speaker-1: It's I'm sure it's guidelines and I'm I'm like, ⁓ okay, well, I still just pick her up and take her to the bathroom. You don't want to ask everyone to do that whenever especially when your kid's not ambulatory. You have a kid with severe autism. I mean, you're not gonna just ask anyone to just come keep your kid that might you know, you talk about kids that elope and ⁓ you know that you're taking Yeah, you can't take your eyes off of them. Or maybe they are

speaker-0: Well, I know. Yeah. your eyes off for what

speaker-1: ⁓ physical sometimes. It's what what do you do in those situations?

speaker-0: ⁓ yeah. Yeah. And it it's hard to really know what help would really make the difference. You know, we say, ⁓ we just need 10 minutes alone, or we need 30 minutes to go to the store. But like it again, that's a quick fix. Yeah. But then do a bunch of quick fixes here or there make the difference? Or is it something long term that's going to make all the difference?

speaker-1: I do think the little things here and there, I think they do help. ⁓ but then it is nice if you could, you know. I mean, I know this is mental health and not we're not talking about marriage and relationships, but I do think that that helps whenever you can have a date night with your spouse and you can go out or even have one night where you're ⁓ you get to go see not mom, not dad. Maybe you're wearing a dress you might not normally wear around town and you

speaker-0: Yeah. ⁓ for sure. Mom, not dad.

speaker-1: Get to go, eat dinner and hang out. And that's hard to find sometimes. Well

speaker-0: It that is nice because when you are able to do those things for yourself, you're not lost in the role of parent or caregiver. Because I mean, so many of us just get consumed and swallowed whole by that being our role for the rest of our life. Because Yeah. But it's it's hard for it not to become our identity because of all day, everyday nonstop. Yeah. There's so many of us that were someone. You know, we had an identity, we we felt

speaker-1: Identity like

speaker-0: Like we were this, this and this before, you know, our kids and before this life. And there's so many people that I've talked to that, you know, they miss those certain aspects of their life. And they're grieving that because they know they'll never be those, you know, those people again that they were before they had these kids. Yeah. So basically it's I know it's easier said than done, but I think it's important to find a way to redefine yourself. Yes, you've had to put to bed, put you know, the past behind you of things that you were before, if whatever it be a job or anything else that you did. But you know, you're able to redefine yourself. I mean, there's there's ways to find the good from the hard and let it shape things. You know, I I know friends here that has a kid with SMA and has a son with autism and they've created this whole community for older kids with special needs where they're able to come and like have jobs and have a life and have purpose. And it's it's given back so much to the community here with moms and who have these older kids. I mean, I say kids. They're still our kids, but you know, they're they're older teens going into adulthood. Yeah. ⁓ and it's this amazing thing that they've done because even though it's still a part of their identity as being a special needs parent, they've still found a new identity in it. Even though the old one may be gone, you know, they've created something beautiful out of it. That's awesome. And I know that's easier said than done. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like

speaker-1: I got married so young sometimes that I didn't I don't even know if I knew who who I was yet at twenty years old.

speaker-0: Y'all were very young.

speaker-1: Well you were all me, B not Byron, but

speaker-0: Well, I mean it wasn't like he was this old man.

speaker-1: I know.

speaker-0: Yeah.

speaker-1: He was already, he at least was out of college. I was still in college. Singing and stuff has always just been a big part of my life, and I still get to do that.

speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah. ⁓ Yeah. You've done something just for you. Do you feel like that's made a difference having something like that just for you?

speaker-1: And that is Yes, absolutely. And I think there are times where I feel completely overwhelmed and and I'm just one of those days and when Byron gets home, I'm just like, I'm gonna go to the church and I'm just gonna sit and play the piano and I'm gonna just sing. And I just need to be by myself and I enjoy singing and playing the piano and that's something that I can do. And it j that's a good thing for me. So and that, you know, it could maybe be 30 minutes, but it just really resets.

speaker-0: So easier said than done, everybody. You need to learn to sing and play the piano. No then you can

speaker-1: No, I'm just no That's for me what I'm kidding you. What?

speaker-0: Not about to take the time to learn the piano. No. But what

speaker-1: I do think that there are things for people that what is your thing that you can do that you really, really it's just it it's a joyful thing for you.

speaker-0: Yeah. You to do. Yeah. Yeah. I mean it can be simple. Just make cookies.

speaker-1: ⁓ yes. If you like if you like picking.

speaker-0: Yeah, if you like baking, go for a walk. Sometimes Yeah, I like to read. I run our book our book club at church. Not church. School. I like that. Yeah.

speaker-1: Or like if whatever hobby. Yeah, it's whatever hobby. I like to crochet too. Sometimes crochet for me. Yeah. Yeah. You've always liked to read. You're accelerated reader.

speaker-0: Yeah. I am an accelerated reader. That was a weird program.

speaker-1: Acceler and no, we still do have accelerator reader and ⁓ what was the read reading rainbow? What was reading rainbow?

speaker-0: ⁓ yeah. Well and I also did hooked on phonics and I was like, Why did I do hooked on phonics and none of my siblings did? Because I've always been a good reader. So I don't understand Maybe so.

speaker-1: Or maybe that's why you were a good reader was hooked on phonics worked for me.

speaker-0: It did. It did. So we are obviously not telling y'all if you're overwhelmed and worn out and exhausted that you just need to try harder. That is not what we're saying at all. Because trust me, if that was all it took, I would have tried to have done that a long time ago. But sadly, that is not the way the world works. So ⁓ I think it's important as we move forward and we have some some guests on and then some of our topics on other episodes are gonna dive more into, you know, more nitty gritty kind of mental health related stuff. It's okay to realize that you're exhausted and to admit it. Because if we don't, then you know, it it has a tendency to turn into something more. Yeah. Turn into something more that's harder to come out of and come back from.

speaker-1: And you're not alone in that at all. Yeah.

speaker-0: ⁓ no, no. There is nothing about what we're gonna talk about where we want anyone to feel any type of shame or guilt or anything in regards to what we deal with because I deal with it on the regular. Yeah. So and I know just based off of, you know, comments and conversations that we have with people on some of our social media that there are so many people that just want to feel like they're not alone and feeling the way that they do. And our well being matters too. We get so wrapped up in our kids and just They become such a soul for focus that I mean it's almost you I don't want to say we have to put ourselves before our kids, but it's almost like on an airplane, they tell you you have to put on your oxygen mask first to help someone else because if you are not breathing, you can't take care of them.

speaker-1: And sometimes it is being it's not trying harder, it's being intentional. You need to intentionally find whatever way it is that you can do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Because now

speaker-0: Like you know. Yeah. Yeah. Ooh, it is a real it is a real beast and it is a real thing. Yeah. For you yourself, like right now, you know, in the moment, in what's going on in your life right now, ⁓ what would take care of yourself realistically look look like? Like what's one thing that you could do right now?

speaker-1: Well, I think for me the thing that I did do was I quit working. Yeah. And I know that's not gonna be practical for everyone. I know, I know. And and my not working is probably not definitely gonna be a permanent thing financially. But

speaker-0: ⁓ yeah. Yeah. For right now is that was just what it needs to be.

speaker-1: It was just what it needed to be and I just don't I was just tired of being pulled in so many different different directions and not feeling like I was doing anything well. I didn't feel like I was a good mom. I didn't feel like I was a good wife. I didn't feel like I was a good teacher. I didn't feel like I was a good Christian. I didn't feel like I was good at anything because I just and

speaker-0: Nobody literally felt that way about you either. ⁓ my gosh. ⁓

speaker-1: I it it's already just just these couple of weeks, just being home. I'm I it's so different. It's been so nice. It's been so nice. Nice. It is cool. Nice. My I mean the house is clean, the laundry's done, the food's in the pot. Byron comes home and he's just like, Wow, this is really nice. And I'm like, I know, I like it.

speaker-0: Yeah. Quiet house is good. Well, and I I was the opposite when I was talking to to Zach on the phone the other day. I had got home, Deacon was at work, Darby had a thing after school, and it was just me and Dawson and Zach called. He was driving home. He was on the far side of Houston. So where we live, it's gonna take him almost two hours to get home. And, you know, he hadn't talked to anyone all day. So he was getting chatty, ready to talk, and I was kinda trying to get off the phone and I felt bad about it. But it was one of those moments where I was alone in a house, even though Dawson needed me. He can't talk. So I was able to just I'd been at work all day. Yeah. I just wanted quiet. I you know, there's just times if I can be in my house and it's just quiet and I can just sit, not even scroll on my phone. Just sit on the couch and stare into space like a zombie. And it's what I need. And it makes no sense, but it is what it is.

speaker-1: Feel like No, it makes perfect sense. Tell after ⁓ elementary music and almost teaching the entire elementary school and hearing like little kid kitty songs all day and stuff. Like, I was just like, I don't want to hear any music right now. I don't want anything to touch me, I don't want to do anything for everyone. It doesn't work that way. You still have to do everything for everyone. Now I don't have so now. I don't feel like I have to have just complete solitude. I do like to listen to music and I do like to do things while I'm cleaning and picking up the house even when I'm by myself because I'm not having to go from over stimulation to being mommy. So hopefully

speaker-0: Y'all all will come back the next few episodes as we are working through this month with y'all and on social media we will definitely be posting things, trying to keep y'all engaged and we would definitely love to hear from some of our listeners and things that we can talk about moving forward that are helpful and beneficial from other of those that are dealing with burnout and all the things that come with, you know, mental health of being caregivers. So

speaker-1: Even if everyone needs something from me, I'm still allowed to need care too. We'll see you next time.