Episode 10 - It's OK To Not Be OK

speaker-0: Welcome to Even If the Special Needs Parenting Podcast. I'm Michaela and I'm Mariah. Hey, how are you? Hello, I'm great. Good. Happy Friday. Not Friday. Today's not Today is Sunday. Long of a week I've had. ⁓ good grief. Yeah. ⁓ my gosh. It has been a long week. Well, and I I kind of was thinking about this the other day. Like, what is the proper protocol with the podcast? Cause like, are you supposed to make people think it's the day it comes out?

speaker-1: Tells you how long

speaker-0: out you know what I mean? Like it's Tuesday. They're listening to us live. They're listening Yeah, no, I guess we record on Sundays usually. Well but now they're gonna wonder if we're recording on Friday or Sunday. It is not Friday. That I'm tired. My daughter had homecoming dance last night and I didn't go to sleep till like three because Dawson would not go to sleep. So I'm just I'm really tired. Yeah. Yeah. No, we But it was good. It was fun. I love the pictures. We had a long week too. And then we had a wedding yesterday. And I don't know. It it's just a long and then we're going to Denver on Monday. ⁓ yeah. And y'all be gone what? Till Wednesday? It yeah, just Wednesday. Just a few days. That's a long trip to go just there and back within three days. Yeah, it's fine. We're but it just is it just check ups? ⁓ well I mean their dose. They're ⁓ they are getting doses. It's Lucy's Lucy's post stop and their dose. Okay. So you think they're gonna be happy with all of her recovery and everything after surgery? I think so. ⁓ this time she has to do she has to go to radiology this time because I mean she has a

speaker-2: Yeah.

speaker-0: fusion now. But they left a window. They left a little window. And some weird visual. I don't know. I don't I don't know. So any caboo like what what is that's I don't understand. I d like however they fused the the the bones and the spine and everything they just left a little opening to where she can still get her lumbar puncture. ⁓ okay I get it now. Sorry. I don't I know what was picturing. Yeah I don't know either. She has to have it for doses. Yes, I get it. Okay. Well, window is just a weird term. You made me think of like a book with like a little I know, that's what I was venturing. Open up Like operation man or the No.

speaker-1: ⁓

speaker-0: That was a rabbit. Okay, anyway. So today we are so excited because we are we have one more episode after today, ⁓ touching on our mental health month that everyone had voted on and wanting. ⁓ and today we actually have an awesome mental health professional here to talk with us about all the things that I know so many of us just question and wonder and think about when it comes to getting more ⁓ Emotional mental health at a professional level. So today we have Jennifer. Jennifer is a LPC associate, supervised by Dr. Cecily, but still, nope, I did not say that right. I'm not gonna say her name again because I know I'm gonna butcher it. Is the owner of Wave on Wave Counseling as a mom, former NICU parent, and someone who grew up in and now values the beauty and challenges of blended family life. Jennifer brings both professional expertise and personal understanding to her work. Jennifer is passionate about supporting parents as they navigate the demands of caring for their children while also learning to care for themselves. She helps parents process past experiences, strengthen relationships, and pour into their own emotional well-being so they can show up for their children and families in the ways they desire. Through a compassionate and trauma-informed approach, Jennifer creates a space where individuals and families can find support, healing, and hope. So welcome to Even If Jennifer, we're so happy that you're here.

speaker-2: Thank you. Thank you for having me. I'm glad to be here.

speaker-0: Okay, you're gonna have to tell me how do you say the doctor you were supervised, how do you say her last name?

speaker-2: ⁓ Batiste. So Dr. Cecily Batiste.

speaker-0: Batiste, okay. Like that actor in that last name. Isn't he a wrestler? Wrestler. Well he's an actor now.

speaker-2: ⁓ yeah, from Guardians of the Galaxy, right? Yeah, yeah.

speaker-0: That's how we can remember that. That's funny, but we're so happy that you're here. Thanks for taking the time to meet with us. Absolutely. So after all of, you know, that amazing bio that we shared, is there anything else that you want to add about you or your family?

speaker-2: Absolutely. Sure. so I live in Montgomery, Texas, ⁓ which is ⁓ Montgomery County, if if anybody's familiar with Conra outside of Houston. I am married and have ⁓ two bonus children. I have a bio daughter who's nine, and then my co parent, ⁓ which is my daughter's father, lives like ten minutes from here. So we ⁓ So we work really well together and just kinda have that support from his parents that are also around the corner. So so yeah. And I have two dogs, Daisy and Izzy. And I have a tortoise named Friend. So

speaker-0: That's fun. Is it a big tortoise?

speaker-2: He no, he's ⁓ i he's gotten bigger since we've had him, but you know, he's still probably about like that size.

speaker-0: Okay. Wow. So he's little still fun. Yeah. Yeah. Our parents used to randomly collect turtles from the side of the road. And they had a whole colony in their backyard. It was the most random thing in the world. It was a turtle like ranch. I don't I don't know what else to call it, really. I don't know. It was the turtle commune. Like it was the stuff that they were doing was not appropriate for children's eyes. So it wasn't. They probably had like s over seventy turtles at one point. So we had a lot of babies that kept hatching. It was odd. And then they just all of a sudden quit doing it. I don't know.

speaker-1: Mm.

speaker-0: They yeah, it was interesting. So the point of today is to maybe feel maybe make therapy feel a little less intimidating, kind of help us think about some ways to get more realistic support, identify ⁓ when we might need it, and just not make it feel so scary. Because I feel like for the most part, a lot of us have gotten to that point where we've thought hypothetically, maybe I need therapy, maybe I need support, maybe I need something else. But then there's so many different, you know, what ifs or fears or things holding us back. So hopefully we can just maybe talk about some realistic support and what that looks like. So some of us might have a better idea and understanding moving forward and maybe not be so scared about, you know, the unknown. So I guess my f our first question for you, Jennifer, is for someone who's never been to therapy, you know, brand new, kind of maybe leaning in that direction. ⁓ what's something that they could realistically expect like in the f the first session that they sit down and meet with someone?

speaker-2: Yeah, so typically which I most therapists will kind of do the first ⁓ like con doing a consultation, which is a really good great way to just kinda meet to see what the client's needs are, what are some things that maybe they're struggling with. And then that's also an opportunity to kind of share if they've been neg Well, and I know you asked or you said ⁓ this would be the first time. So it would also kind of give ⁓ just a little take some of the pressure off of just kind of understanding what it means to c get an idea of what the the client is looking for, what kind of support they're looking for, what goals they may have. ⁓ and then an opportunity for the therapist to kind of share what type of approaches they use to see if that would be something that the client would be interested in. and then once we have the consultation, if they're ready to move forward, ⁓ then we'll do like an intake process, which is kind of really just building that rapport and ⁓ gathering a lot of information gathering, which can sometimes take one to maybe three sessions, just because we're learning the client as a whole, right? So we're learning what some of their mental health symptoms are, what ⁓ learn about their family history. medical history. ⁓ so really getting a full picture of ⁓ just of them. and then we t really dive into like what are their goals, what do they hope to see. ⁓ we typically check in like 30 days to 90 days throughout that process to kind of see where we're at. So yeah, a lot of it's just getting to know the client and especially if it's their first time, it's really important ⁓ for them to feel comfortable. So and understanding that they're probably at some point going to share some vulnerable parts about themselves that maybe they haven't shared with anybody. So just really making sure that the therapist is meeting the client where they're at and so that they can ⁓ get to that place where they feel comfortable and ready to process whatever it is or work on the goals that they

speaker-1: ⁓ I want to work towards

speaker-0: So it's definitely not a your first session, you're sitting down, you're talking about the hard stuff. It's one of those situations where they're gonna feel comfortable going into things before they really start kind of getting into more of those in depth conversations.

speaker-2: Yeah, exactly. Cause ⁓ that could be really intimidating if we just kind of jump into and dive into everything and yeah, that could potentially really scare a client off. Yeah. That so we'll yeah, so I always tell them I'm gonna meet you where you're at. My and I explain to them my goal is not to whenever they're ready to s share certain things that they maybe have experienced, ⁓ but just again, always just kind of guiding them in the sense of like meeting them where they're at and so that they

speaker-1: I wasn't ready for that.

speaker-2: where they again were we're just kinda easing into it and not getting to the hard

speaker-1: Hearts quickly. We don't need to.

speaker-0: Yeah, that's great. I think I think knowing that would definitely make a lot of people feel a little bit less intimidated about it. How can someone tell whether a therapist is a good fit or not?

speaker-2: I always encourage a client to consult with different therapists because maybe there's certain approaches that they're like, Yeah, that maybe sounds more of what I'm looking for, or if they're like, Yeah, that doesn't sound like something I would want to do. ⁓ I think it also depends on the connection with the client, even though you might be meeting for the first time, for the client to really sit back and be like, Is this somebody that I I think that I'm gonna feel comfortable with? I mean, kind of sometimes it's kind of like a vibe check, right? Because we're still pe we're still people. connecting with other people. And so and that's where it kind of allows them to ask whatever questions they like to kind of see is this gonna be somebody that's gonna be fitting for me. so yeah, I think it really comes down to is a connection gonna be there? ⁓ am I gonna feel comfortable with this person? Is it how the therapist is kind of explaining things to me? Does it make sense? Does it sound like something I'm wanting to do? ⁓ and every therapist has a sp different specialty area. ⁓ so I think it's also important if they're dealing with ⁓ you know, certain ⁓ like for instance, maybe a client that is diagnosed with like obsessive compulsive disorder, you may want to see a therapist that really specializes in that. Or, you know, if they're navigating depression, like there's certain therapists that generally see clients with depression or anxiety, but it's still it's kind of like making sure that is that something that an area that they really work with or not. Trauma. Things like that.

speaker-0: So it you saying that actually kind of leads us into our next question because like, you know, the mental health world is definitely, you know, a large one when you really start to look into it to all the things that are offered. So, ⁓ do you know any more beyond what you've already said, like the different types of therapy that are going to really be more helpful for parents living with chronic stress and or medica tr medical trauma?

speaker-2: ⁓ so I would ⁓ trauma informed therapists would be for sure like a great option to look into. ⁓ there's different ⁓ types of modalities, like so for instance, like I use ⁓ I'm very person centered, which means especially for a caregiver in their experience, just being able to have a space where they can be the their authentic self. They can feel like they're not being judged, especially being a parent, ⁓ and just being able to have that space where they can share their experiences, their story from what that looks like from themselves. Because in the world when we're trying to, you know, talk to other people about maybe what's going on with this, we sometimes tailor it depending on who we're talking to, because we don't want ⁓ we don't want to feel judged or we feel like we might hurt somebody's feelings or it might get back to this person. So so really creating that foundation of like this is your space ⁓ for you to be able to share however you like. But then also using Cognitive behavioral therapy, which is kind of understanding our thoughts and how they're connected to certain ways that we feel, and then how does that kind of play out in behaviors? ⁓ so really looking into what are some of our common thought patterns or maladaptive thoughts that we have about ourselves or about certain things and being able to process through that. There's also a dialectical ⁓ behavior therapy. ⁓ that's a really great therapy for somebody that ⁓ even though we have the thoughts of being also being able to emotionally regulate in those moments so when we're feeling frustrated or irritable that it's okay to like it's okay to feel that but also like being aware of it to be like okay what do I need to do right now to kind of connect my what my my mind is doing to my body. So really that mind body connection, mindfulness. There's EMDR which is eye movement desensitation and reprocessing therapy. ⁓ that would also be a great option for somebody because along the way we may have past experiences and not realizing that those memories get stuck and they play out into our lives in different ways. So maybe having a thought of like, I feel worthless or I feel like I'm failing and understanding some of the earlier experiences experiences where that comes from. and then the other one I like to also ⁓ mention is ACT, which is acceptance commitment therapy. ⁓ That one is a just sometimes we just have to acknowledge for where we're at and and just kind of being like, I just just this is I right now I feel anxious. ⁓ I can feel the sensations going on and that and I'm and I'm okay. I'm gonna still ⁓ just kind of sit with this until it passes. ⁓ and so even from a caregiver standpoint of just like maybe I'm having a hard day today, but that doesn't mean that I'm a bad parent. ⁓ so just kind of again, sitting in that discomfort and acknowledging it and sometimes even label it like right now I feel anxious. ⁓ so those are some different types like so there's there's lots of other ones, ⁓ but those are some common ones that we often

speaker-0: Those are awesome. There's definitely some that I am not familiar with and have never heard of. So definitely y'all think about those and write them down because I think a lot of those sounded like they kind of fit the bill. Not fit the bill, but I feel like there was something out of all the things that you said that a lot of people would definitely be able to be like, Yeah, that sounds like something that I could definitely benefit from. So ⁓ you know, that's that was a good, you know, way to cover what to expect from therapy. But I guess one of our main issues is why asking for help can feel so hard for so many of us as parents and all that we deal with on a regular basis. So why do you think that parents often feel guilty or ashamed for admitting that we have gotten to a point that we need more professional help?

speaker-2: So being a mom myself, ⁓ and also working with a lot of mothers and again different reasons that I've kind of seen ⁓ just from personally and and professionally, I think sometimes we're mothers are kind of expected just to like we we just we need to be strong and we gotta show up and ⁓ and we and we know we're more than capable, right? 'Cause we're doing all the things. ⁓ and

speaker-1: So maybe some Like

speaker-2: And sometimes that could be tied to our upbringing, that maybe we had certain expectations ⁓ placed on us at a very early age, and we've kind of just learned that those are the ways to be seen or accepted, and we just kind of carry that out into adulthood and parenthood. ⁓ and so just so like so there could be several different reasons, but when it comes to the guilt and shame, I think there's like this ⁓ stigma of like then there must be something wrong with me or there's or I'm not doing something right. ⁓ and that could feel I mean, guilt and shame are are emotions that really puts us in a vulnerable place and sometimes it's really hard to accept that. ⁓ and so yeah, just I see that it I see it often or I have clients that often have those experiences. I think it could be societal or it could be just kind of how we were brought up or ⁓ or we just kind of got used to doing all the things and then also whenever it's time to be like, wait, wait.

speaker-1: And

speaker-2: Maybe I do need some help but I don't wanna ask 'cause I don't know what response I'm gonna get. So

speaker-0: So how do you respond to someone that thinks that therapy means that they're weak or maybe like they're failing their family because they're having to ask for help?

speaker-2: ⁓ so we often kind of explore it and kind of see where is these thoughts coming from. So kind of the modalities that I've mentioned ⁓ of kind of understanding where are some of these thoughts coming from, ⁓ so that the client can kind of explore that for themselves.

speaker-0: So the overall theme that we've really talked about this last month, ⁓ you know, to kind of more or less get a lot of caregivers to this point is prolonged stress and burnout. I mean, we we all face that. ⁓ some more than others, some, you know, different seasons, things like that. But whenever we really get to the point to where it's extreme, ⁓ what would you say from like a medical professional standpoint, ⁓ how prolonged caregiver stress, what it's actually doing to our brains and our bodies?

speaker-2: So I like to I kind of thought about this of almost like it's like your brain is waving a white flag. ⁓ because it's it's to the point. Yeah. Like it's reach its limit. And and when we're in that constant ⁓ of chronic stress ⁓ or overwhelm, ⁓ eventually what it does is ⁓ well, one, it's hard it affects our prefrontal cortex, which is where we make our like our decisions and regulate our emotions and things like that. ⁓ so if we don't if we're in fight or flight mode, we're we're basically like always under that stress where we can't make not that we can't make good decisions, but it's harder or like it makes things feel like maybe they're more overwhelming than what it is. ⁓ I mean it it affects our hormones, it affects our immune system. ⁓ there's a lot of studies that show ⁓ that's when we start seeing more chronic illnesses and things like that because mental health and physical health are all tied together. And especially somebody that maybe has a history of trauma. A tool that I use in my practice and I know a lot of other therapists do called the adverse childhood experiences. So if somebody has a history of their own trauma, and it's they haven't had a chance to like process through that, then that's why we see like ⁓ there's studies that show that that's why we see a higher rates of like diabetes or ⁓ HIV or cancer, some of these things that they're kind of linked to those because all that's that stays in your body and it has to kind of come out somewhere. And so just understanding and I'm not saying this to like scare anybody, like it's just it's a it's basically a tool just kind of gauges like ⁓ it goes from zero to ten. And so depending on what your A score is, ⁓ because in it reflects on abuse, neglect, ⁓ If your parents have been divorced, if you had a parent that struggled with their own mental health, was there domestic violence? Was the parent incarcerated? Was ⁓ was there substance use in the home? It's things like that. ⁓ so how that like I said, that impacts us if we're not handling some or like ⁓ really processing through our own mental health and things like that, or things that we have going on. ⁓ so and what that also does, like I mentioned at keeps us in that fight or flight mode. So the our limbic system, which is like our emotional part of our brain, ⁓ that sends off that alarm of like the fight or flight or ⁓ even the overwhelm. So when we start feeling like irritable, we're not sleeping very good, we're not regulated throughout the day, like that all like is connected to how we're showing up and how we're feeling.

speaker-0: There's definitely times when I can tell my stress has ⁓ like gone too far. I mean, I I will get so run down. I have had visceral reactions to extreme stress where I've like broken out in hives. So it is definitely, you know, a real situation. And that's not even extreme as I'm sure, you know, a lot of other parents out there are dealing with on a regular basis when it comes, you know, with prolonged stress that's just chronic. ⁓ what what is caregiver burnout? And then how is that different from just Ordinary exhaustion, ⁓ anxiety or depression. What's what's the difference?

speaker-2: ⁓ so the difference would be a parent that is 'cause as a parent, right, we we're all our our main priority is typically making sure our kids' needs are being met. We're making sure we're managing the household. We might be a working parent. ⁓ we might if if we're married, we also have a spouse that we're taking care of. So there's all these things that are constantly happening that and it's always that ongoing like, well, if I I gotta get this done and I gotta get this done, and it gets to that point of like I am just past my to that point of overwhelm where it's almost like they could fall into a depression because they feel like I don't know I don't even know how to ha like it just it's never s it never stops. It's always going. ⁓ I don't have any time for myself. I don't it's just constantly having to meet the needs of others and just really like almost losing a part of ourself and who we are. If we're juggling so many different things and how that can show up, you know, driving from you know, this place to this place and I gotta get home and make dinner, like all those things that eventually just kinda take a toll on you.

speaker-0: So when you when you have, you know, deal with parents in the the past or, you know, current, how do you really like get them to understand or see the line between recognizing the difference of, you know, quote, I'm having a hard week between no, I'm at a point where I need professional help.

speaker-2: The difference would be is like, yeah, we could have a bad day, we could have a bad week. But if we start seeing that, like for instance, like even in as a therapist or if you ⁓ if you go to the doctor, sometimes they'll do like a mental health assessment. And so in the last two weeks, if you're you're finding yourself like I'm sleeping a lot, like ⁓ maybe even more than eight hours. ⁓ like but not to ⁓ like where it's to the point of like you're In a twenty four hour period, if you find yourself sleeping for sixteen hours, like that might be a sign.

speaker-0: But that sounds really nice.

speaker-1: Yeah, and then some of us should probably be like, I will totally take all that sleep. ⁓ but it also could be God.

speaker-2: Racing, like if we're having racing thoughts, our appetite is changed. we're we're just constantly irritated or like blowing up at people just because we're ⁓ so stressed out. So it it gets to a point of like, okay, it's one thing to have a bad day, but then but then and then it turns into the week. And then if we start getting to like past two and a half weeks, we're going into thirty days or even ninety days, and that's kind of a signal that like, okay, something else. Even with the support I'm getting or ⁓ or I'm just I'm constantly just I'm tired all the time. I'm yeah, just all those kind of things just kind of start playing and coming into play where it's just like I can't w you just you'll kinda know at that point where you're like, I just I can't take anymore. ⁓ and so it's important to like when we hit that mark, it's probably time to reach out to somebody and kind of see what else is

speaker-1: going on.

speaker-0: So on social media, we've ⁓ on Facebook especially, we've put out some, you know, some prompts and questions and we've got a lot of good feedback. And I think the theme across the board was a lot of parents were like, This is not conducive to real life. Like, I never get breaks, there's no way to get support, it's never ending, you know, it's this and this and this because of the kids that we have and the lack of this that they have. So ⁓ for those that kind of have that mentality, ⁓ and not not a mentality, that's the wrong word to say, like, realistically that's the way that their life looks right now. So for for them, what does meaningful mental health support look like when the parents can simply not remove the source of the stress, which in this situation is, you know, our children. 'Cause in a lot of situations it's like, well, stop doing that, you know, take one thing off your plate, do this, do that. Well, obviously in these situations we can't because it's our children.

speaker-2: So the first thing is really and I think you and I had talked about this when we met about self regulation, I think is like the foundation to start with all that because kind of what you just mentioned when somebody hears, Yeah, you could just take this off your plate or you can do this. it's not sometimes it's not what we need to hear. It's something that we're like I've tried these things and I don't even and if we're so overwhelmed into the place of

speaker-1: We're like hey.

speaker-2: we're just we're kind of past our limit. Like and that kind of goes back to what we talked about the our decision making and everything. All that is just we're in that constant survival mode that it's like it's hard to even think about where I would even start taking something off my plate or who's even gonna able to take that off the plate for me. So what re what I would say first is like just trying to n regulate the nervous system. Cause I imagine for a lot of parents it we

speaker-1: I would recommend like

speaker-2: We're trying to meet their needs, right? Like we're making sure our children eat. We're making sure that they get sleep. They're we're making sure that they're, you know, drinking water throughout the day. But I would be curious to know ask ourselves, like, how often do we make sure we're eating throughout the day? How much are we making sure that we sleep or we're staying hydrated? ⁓ or how much are we taking like even five minutes out of our day just to find some, you know, moment like I'm gonna sit down for five minutes and read a book or go get a coffee, whatever that looks like, just starting with What can I pour into myself right now that's practical and that's gonna help me to get my anxiety or my the overwhelm just kind of start stabilizing that. And then we can kind of go from, okay, so then let's what's our next step? Like I wanna take this off my plate and then it's the next so everything really ⁓ 'cause when we're overwhelmed too, we we want everything just to be fixed, but it's ⁓ sometimes it's like

speaker-1: It's a

speaker-2: trying to fight out of that rubble and it's trying to figure out where do I even start with just one of those, you know, one block out of that to help me just kind of relieve some of these things from a practical standpoint where I can start getting a little bit of relief and then start working.

speaker-1: Towards the bigger things.

speaker-0: So how can therapy help when difficult circ circumstances are ongoing?

speaker-2: One it g ⁓ 'cause typically sessions are like fifty minutes to an hour. So the first step is you're getting like basically a designated hour to just yourself. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. So and ⁓ and with the parents that I work with now, a lot of times we kinda have to I have to remind them that be and and I I read some of your comments of like people that had questions and somebody actually s mentioned that on there of like ⁓ I don't want to add one more thing to my plate. And I also remind them like that hopefully that when you go to therapy, it's also like that one thing just to give you a break almost from your day. ⁓ it should never be a situation where you feel like it's one more thing or one more stress. And I and I can say most of the time after even if they felt that way initially and then after the session, they're like, I'm so glad I did this. Like, cause it gives you a little bit of relief and it gives you some time to just, you know, talk. like process out what you're going through and ⁓ identify ways that we can that the client can pour into themselves. And I and again going back to I know I stress this a lot because it's so important of hey, how much water, you know, did you drink today? And they'll be like, ⁓ I only drank like a like a bottle or I drank a lot of coffee today. So it's kind of also like let's work on some of those things. ⁓ or how much sleep are you getting so that way we can start getting those again, going back to that stabilization of getting those things. I feel like that's kind of self care in itself that you're getting that one hour of relief for just your time. So and it's all about you.

speaker-0: Can I come on therapy for an hour and just sleep?

speaker-2: Watch me sleep.

speaker-0: For an hour, I'll pay you for a good nap.

speaker-2: So I haven't had that, but I do often ask clients like, like especially if they're like I have clients that are that meet during like a lunch period, right? And they have all these multiple things going on. ⁓ and even kind of asking like, do we need to just do some mindfulness or what kind of asking what do you need right now for this hour that you would feel like would be helpful to you rather than just 'cause again it's the purpose of it is to be able to help the client in ways that they need and not from, you know, Maybe that day we don't need to go into anything heavy. We need something kind of lighter to talk yeah. To kinda regulate or to talk, you know, through kind of what's going on in the present day or that week.

speaker-0: So what would you say are a few realistic coping tools that caregivers can use like in the middle of those overwhelming moments? You know, not not down the road, not, you know, when things get a little bit more calm, but like in the midst of the chaos, what are some good coping tools?

speaker-2: ⁓ so the first thing I'm gonna say is make sure you have a bottle of water throughout with you throughout the day, having available snacks, ⁓ if they're like protein based or something that just especially if you're running around just something that quickly cause it you cause a lot of us will go throughout the day and be like, when's the last time I eat something? Like ⁓ and then there's some ⁓ coping tools that I can kind of show y'all or there's a couple like breathing techniques ⁓ that are very helpful in the moment of just being able to regulate the nervous system. ⁓ even taking a walk, like a short minute, like five minute walk, ⁓ which is doing even bilateral bilateral stimulation where you're moving your arms and your legs to kinda help clear your mind. Butterfly taps, so that kind of goes back to that bilateral stimulation. ⁓

speaker-0: your arms and you just tap both sides.

speaker-2: Yeah, you pad on each side ⁓ just kind of help bring some ⁓ whatever's going on, that nervousness or anxiousness, ⁓ or even the overwhelm. ⁓ the physiological side is you take in a really big inhale and then you do a second short inhale through your nose. So I'll show I'll show you how that works. So and then you let out a big exhale. And I always express the clients like almost like you're inhaling whatever. It it whatever sensations you're feeling, like you're inhaling it and then you wanna excel it out almost like you're releasing it from your body.

speaker-0: Breathe in through your nose until it's almost full, but then try to take one more big one past it and then you just bled it all out.

speaker-2: And then you just let it all out. a fun one that ⁓ caregivers may love because you can even use this for your children. ⁓ it's called the magic mustache. Have you ever heard of so there's a pressure point ⁓ on the top of your lip right be below your nose. ⁓ and if you press down on there for about eight to ten seconds.

speaker-1: No. Okay.

speaker-2: ⁓ a lot of people or kids, they kind of feel that especially if you feel a lot of tension in your shoulders or your neck area, you almost just kind of feel it flow through your neck. ⁓ kind of it relieves ⁓ it releases a calming hormone basically. ⁓ and it's fun for kids because you can kind of do it as a playful engagement thing if they're kind of all you know, they're dysregulating, be Hey, let's draw magic mustaches and it just kind of helps ⁓ everybody in that sense.

speaker-0: We walk around doing that, people will just think we're like hiding, you know, a yawn or a burp or something.

speaker-1: Exactly.

speaker-2: Yeah, I've actually had clients say, like, you know, I didn't realize they they were doing that at work and they didn't realize what they were doing. And yeah, so it's almost like you want people wouldn't even know what you're doing if you're just kind of sitting there. ⁓ another really good one if you're just feeling that that frustration and tension, ⁓ you can even do chair pull ups where you have to pull up on the side of your chair. and what it does is it kind of you're putting you're kind of pulling it up and putting some pressure onto your like shoulder neck area and then when you release you can feel that muscle release ⁓ release some of that and then wall pushes so if you're like I almost just wish I could push this wall to the outside that you're just again you're relieving a lot of tension and pressure from that. So those are just things that you can do in your home or ⁓ or if you just need to sit in your car for a minute and I'm like I just do some box breathing or the physiological size. Yeah.

speaker-0: Those are great. I like I like all those. I'm gonna have to remember all of those for myself. Especially the mustache. I like that one.

speaker-2: The magic, yeah.

speaker-1: Hello.

speaker-0: It's so fun.

speaker-1: Mm-hmm.

speaker-0: So how can caregiving affect a parent's identity beyond being the caregiver? That's in quote the caregiver.

speaker-2: air quotes. This is a very common thing. ⁓ I feel like a lot of us even as a caregiver, we can we sometimes tend to do this where w that becomes our only identity. ⁓ and in other parts of our life it can affect, you know, maybe our marriage 'cause we're we're ⁓ we're focused on our children. ⁓ it also could take away from things that maybe we used to enjoy in the past. I feel like what happens for a lot of for a lot of caregivers, what happens is we get so focused on meeting the needs of our our children and our family and other people in our lives that it ends up creating where we do end up losing parts of ourselves because we're so focused on ⁓ being a mom or being a dad or being a caregiver. ⁓ and so ways that we can kind of reconnect with that is Even find and again this goes back to because I know a lot of p you parents might say, you know, I just I really don't have time to go do certain th certain things that I like to do, but just ⁓ going back to what are some small even like small things. So for instance, a lot of clients like to read and maybe they haven't read a book in months because they they're they're exhausted by the time they, you know, go out throughout their day. So just finding ways to like How can I designate five to ten minutes for myself just to start off with? Like maybe ⁓ somebody who likes to paint or somebody that likes to listen to music, or maybe they used to like to go play sports, like ⁓ I know pickleball is a big thing, ⁓ or softball, or just something that ⁓ was also a part of who they were, ⁓ and just trying to find ways to reconnect in those ways, or even with their spouses, because it can be really ⁓ easy to ⁓ where we lose that connection with them because we're we're focused on maintaining our household, we're trying to provide, do all the things. And that can, you know, make us kind of lose our identity identity of like being a woman or even being a man in in that relationship. So so just again, not going back to like I gotta change everything tomorrow or even next week, but just little ways. ⁓ is that a is that a a date night or if you know if you can't go out, is there little things that we can do at home to feel connected to each other. You know, even if we're home with our children and things like that.

speaker-0: I like those. Those are those are good suggestions. Things I'm definitely guilty of not doing. But sometimes I do think we probably have a little bit more time than we think we do just because of, you know, our phones and social media. We spend a lot of time on that. You really probably could have maybe fifteen minutes or something where you could go do something that you, you know, want to do reading. Maybe they want to

speaker-2: Yeah.

speaker-0: Be on phone for five years, and and you know, and yeah, yeah. And but there's definitely there's definitely negatives to ⁓ the the social media stuff because then that can also, you know, you see things and people's lives that are perfect or whatever comparing and like well it must be nice, your kid can walk, and it must be nice that you, you know, get those thoughts in your head sometimes from from that. And not always a good thing. No, yeah.

speaker-2: And I think that's such a great point that you make with social media, because like you said, that there probably are w there are periods throughout our day that we probably do have some time. ⁓ but because we've kind of filled those things, because a lot of times that could be tied to because we are overwhelmed and it's just really easy to do the doom scroll, you know, just kind of go through all these things. And so even if it's kind of like hey, you know, mm making some kind of like hey tonight, like starting with one night, you know. Maybe we just put our phones away for a little bit. And then ⁓ if we do and I think that's the other thing too is we try to be so perfect at like, well, I'm just gonna do it for the whole week and I ⁓ or that's even a client that says, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go to the gym five days this week and it's like, Why don't we start off or like one or two? Yeah. And if we don't do it, it's okay. We can just make it start again.

speaker-0: Goals. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I think a lot of us, you know, moving on, you know, into the next level is really being able to know where to start on like finding someone. So I know you touched on this a little bit earlier, ⁓ but what should someone look for specifically when they're choosing someone? But especially if they are a special needs or medically complex parent when it comes to finding

speaker-2: So

speaker-0: a therapist or someone that they're wanting to get some mental health care from. What are specific things that they should look for?

speaker-2: They like I said there's so many therapists that specialize in different things. And there's actually therapists out there that specialize specifically in these areas. ⁓ and some places that you can find that, because I would imagine your your listeners might be outside of the Texas, they might be in other areas too. So ⁓ so a nationwide resource that ever anybody can use is like psychology today. ⁓ and the great thing about that is that they can actually go in and put in the filters of like this is what I'm looking for. ⁓ these are, you know, I need this specific area. I would maybe prefer this modality. ⁓ I'm paying with my insurance. I need to make sure that they take this insurance or is it gonna be private pay? So you can basically kind of go in there and customize what what you're looking for in a therapist. So that's a a really great resource to kind of see what you know what it is that you're looking for. Something else that ⁓ I hear clients say all the time, you can even go if you if they use like AI, like chat GBT, or even going on Google. ⁓ or so let me start with the chat GBT. I actually had s a few people tell me, I just put in chat GBT this is the t ⁓ the different areas that I want to focus on. I want them to be in this area and and they've actually found therapists just by using AI. ⁓ they'll tell you like specific therapies that are in that area. Another great resource is Google. A lot of people look ⁓ do Google resources. Yeah. So just again, like s if you're looking for somebody that's like I need somebody that kind of specializes in caregivers with children with special needs or maybe had, you know, medical trauma, things like that, that there's actual therapists that fit that. ⁓

speaker-0: Informed care. Is that is that another big one?

speaker-2: Yeah, tr and and especially in those areas too, because it is a form of trauma, right? Like a ⁓ because not only for the caregiver, but even o obviously for the child as well, depending on what they're dealing with. ⁓ so it is important to maybe find somebody who is trauma informed. ⁓ and what that means is that they're they're culturally sensitive. They, you know, they kind of under ⁓ they meet you with compassion, they're ⁓ again, just kind of meeting you where you're at, ⁓ and understanding your background and things like that. ⁓ so yeah, so that would definitely be an area to be sure that you're kind of looking for as

speaker-1: Well

speaker-0: What options may help people facing limited time? Respite finances, transportation, or or the need for virtual care?

speaker-2: Yeah, definitely telehealth is an option if they're like if if it's a matter of like driving to a place compared to I can just do it from home or from my office. There are other platforms who do like sliding scales or even therapists do sliding scale rates. So if it's a matter of like financial ⁓ barriers, being able to kind of meet the client where they are with that. And I will say that that's a big one ⁓ that I don't feel like is talked about a lot of that financial stress and financial trauma. ⁓ and I would imagine especially caregivers who are dealing with a lot of medical bills and things like that. and so just ⁓ finding resources in the community, depending on what their circumstances are. There's even like ⁓ financial planners that do like free consultations, they even maybe help with budget, things like that to kind of take some of that pressure off of if we're dealing with certain financial things like that. Limited respite. ⁓ so if it's a matter of like Who's gonna be able to watch my child because of my husband's having to work and I'm trying to go? or, you know, like kinda like what Michaela was saying earlier, you know, you're on a call and then you have your kids like coming in because they're trying to get certain needs met and things like that. So I would say with that one, it's you know, is there a neighbor next door? Is it who's the last person you texted with or ⁓ who are your top people on Facebook that you talk to that maybe could or somebody at church or what whatever can places that you're connected to in the community that maybe could help with hey, you know, could you come spend an hour at my house, why get on a call or or vice versa, can they come stay with you for why go take care you know run it. Yeah, exactly 'cause I that's what I was gonna say, 'cause you may not want to, you know, tell everybody what you're doing, but just be able to have that that time with yourself for that.

speaker-0: Run an errand. Do you think people would be surprised, like if they found out that their their therapy w is covered by their insurance and they just they just automatically assume that it's not gonna be covered?

speaker-2: So yeah, they might be surprised to know that maybe they have those mental health benefits and they d they weren't aware of it. So use an insurance depending on what it is, but ⁓ for instance, like I have a billing specialist that will verify their benefits and everything like that. And and if that makes it more affordable where their co pays only like twenty five dollars to like seventy five dollars, that makes it a whole lot affordable much more affordable using going that route. So yeah, for sure.

speaker-0: Yeah. So what ⁓ advice would you give someone, a p especially in this case a parent, who has tried to go the therapy route before, but ended up being disappointing or kind of more of a hurtful experience?

speaker-2: So the first thing I would say is therapy is not a one size fits all. ⁓ and so understanding if somebody had a a very disappointing experience, if they had a disappointing experience, ⁓ just know that there's other therapists out there that maybe ⁓ can meet their needs. And ⁓ and it's important to let them know, like let the therapist know if you're doing like a consultation or meeting for the first time, to let them know that you had that experience to make sure that that therapist ⁓ maybe doesn't do a certain approach or or is aware of that so that they can make sure that the the client feels safe and ⁓ comfortable. But yeah, that the ⁓ just with anything, those things could those experiences could happen, but just ⁓ keep it an open mind to that maybe there's an another therapist out there that's more fitting.

speaker-1: For you.

speaker-0: So we definitely want to, you know, kind of end our episod our episodes on more, you know, encouraging notes and, you know, things to try to make people feel more optimistic, you know, moving forward, especially when it comes to this specific topic. So ⁓ but what one question I have for you is what do you wish every special needs parent understood about their own mental health?

speaker-2: That it's

speaker-1: It's important. Period. Period.

speaker-2: ⁓ period. Yeah, it's ⁓ I know it's a cliche to to say, but if you've ever been on an airport or on an airplane and the ma they tell you when the mask comes down, first person you should put put it on is yourself, right? ⁓ because if you're not able to breathe then then how do we expect to help others and it and it kind of says a lot for that, right? Like if we're struggling, ⁓ and we're trying to care for everybody else, then we're really ⁓ We're not being able to fully show up how we need to. And then it could also potentially ⁓ not cause more harm, but it could just, you know, it could be better if if we're again pouring into ourselves. And really, I always stress the fact of just asking, you know, what do I need right now? Like checking in with yourself. And, you know, if you're feeling frustrated or irritable or ⁓ that anxiety, just kind of asking myself, what do I need right now? And if it's like, And I I y I hear a lot like I just need a nap and it's like, well, maybe maybe designating some time where you just get yeah, maybe you just need some rest right now and and I know that's not always easy, but it's just again finding ways to ⁓ meet your own needs 'cause that's just as important as meeting other people today.

speaker-1: Needs.

speaker-0: What about someone thinking, well, other people have it worse than I do? So I should be able to handle this.

speaker-2: So as I mentioned, I was a my daughter when she was born, she was in the NICU. Although she was she was healthy overall, ⁓ she had to spend some time in there just ⁓ being able to grow a little bit more because she was a preemie and learning how to feed. She was in the NICU for about seven and a half weeks. And I saw a lot of other parents around me that were having their experiences were a lot more challenging than mine. ⁓ But I feel like when we start comparing ourselves to our experience with others, it kind of invalidates our own experience. And even though we might be dealing with different things, that doesn't mean that our experience isn't hard. ⁓ and so ⁓ so I just really say when it comes to that of just really being mindful of, yeah, like you mentioned with the social media, like, you know, you see different parts, you know, different things that we see on social media, like why they seem to have it easier than maybe than I do. ⁓ but also. knowing that sometimes what we see is not always the the whole picture, right? but also understanding that it's okay that my heart is maybe just a different heart compared to someone.

speaker-1: Mm.

speaker-0: Yeah. So what is one small step someone could take today if they know they need support, but they're not ready to quite yet schedule therapy yet?

speaker-2: So one thing I would recommend a a small step is ⁓ one, you can kind of go out and kind of plug maybe just kind of plug in like what would it look like if I, you know, if these were some of the areas I wanted to focus on and maybe just kind of get an idea of what therapists are in your area. So a very small step of just kind of maybe doing ⁓ just kind of a little bit of research if you have some time. and then And then maybe the next step is, you know, scheduling a consultation with somebody that you feel like would be a good fit and kind of see how that

speaker-1: Yeah.

speaker-0: Jennifer, thank you so much for meeting with us today. I I've I learned a lot, stuff that, you know, I hadn't thought about or stuff that I'm guilty of. So I'm hoping some of our listeners are also able to take a couple of tidbits, some advice, some, you know, suggestions and things that you've mentioned moving forward and are able to, you know, stop and reflect and think, you know, that especially if they're at the point of, you know, questioning whether or not they need to take that next step. I'm hoping maybe they have some ⁓ courage to maybe move forward in. take those steps. So ⁓ is there anything, you know, before we close that you would love to say to ⁓ the listeners when it comes to just, you know, taking those steps to choosing their own mental health, even though what they're dealing with on a regular basis is obviously very difficult.

speaker-2: So the first thing I'll say is that it takes courage to reach out for help and knowing that that in itself makes you brave. ⁓ so ⁓ and then the other thing I think as mothers, like we don't always maybe say to other mothers ⁓ that you're doing a good job. and we don't know what we don't know. And so also just giving yourself some grace ⁓ to know that you're doing the best you can, but just know that there's options out there and support that ⁓ that might be beneficial.

speaker-1: For you as well.

speaker-0: Thank you again so much for coming on. It was a privilege to have you and it was so nice to learn from you. Even if the hard parts remain, we are still worthy of care. We'll see you next time.