Episode 4 - Quiet Grief

speaker-0: Welcome to Even If the Special Needs Parenting Podcast. I'm Michaela.

speaker-1: And I'm Maraya.

speaker-0: ⁓ So four is here. I hope everyone enjoyed the first three. This one's gonna look a little different. We're putting a little more structure, some more bones to it, I guess. ⁓ the first three, I guess, were more or less us kind of talking about ourselves, letting y'all get to know our hearts, kind of where we have been and where we've come from, and a lot more conversation. Yeah, for sure. A lot of ⁓ crazy filler words. I told some friends that. I was the most cringy person on the planet with how many times I say, you know, you know, you know, you know. I do. But yes, we're so glad y'all are still listening and we promise we will get better and maybe make it not so awkward moving forward. Yeah. I mean, y'all are y'all are in it with us. I mean, I feel like at the end of the day, our brain our brains are just fried as well. The more we the better we're gonna get. Yeah. So we're we're happy y'all here. But this This episode is about grief. but like the everyday grief, not the heavy grief that comes with like child loss, because that is in itself a whole podcast episode on its own that we will definitely touch on later down the road. But this is about basically grieving our you know, the life, the the children that we that are still with us, you know. Things like that, things that we assumed our family would do, things that we assumed life would look like, that our children would be able to do, you know, that the the guilt that comes with grieving as well. Cause I think as parents we all have guilt when it comes to our grief. So I was gonna I'm gonna ask you a question. What is one specific thing that you have grieved besides the obvious, you know, with with your children and their diagnosis, what's something you've grieved that people might not realize is something that comes with your life and your kids' diagnosis.

speaker-1: That's hard question. 'Cause there's I know there there's a lot though that that just really kind of pop into your mind. I know we've touched on the the left behind stuff a little bit before, but

speaker-0: It is but it's a good one. Well rapturing. What kind of left behind? I'm dating myself to the nineties. Yeah. Yeah. Just yeah. Just the the being being able to running away.

speaker-1: Just Yeah. Lucy ⁓ Lucy being in seventh grade and just being able to ⁓ not being able to do athletics and things like that. And as you know, us growing up, athletics was huge. That was a big deal. We did all the sports for her to go to seventh grade and not be able to really be able to do ⁓ athletics and stuff like that and just be with her peers and stuff that's

speaker-0: We did all the things. Watching all of her friends participate.

speaker-1: all her friends and kind of just getting left out of stuff, which they're gonna try to do things to where she's incorporated, you know, maybe being like the stat keeper and stuff like that for basketball games. ⁓ well that's good. Yeah. And so that's great, but you know, and that's being a part of the team. So that's awesome. But and even with Lincoln, just even though he can do all the things that he can do because of early treatment, when you compare him to h the kids in his grade, he still is delayed. And a lot of his just movement and and things like that. He he looks a lot younger than what he is. So that's hard to see too for both for both my kids. What about you?

speaker-0: Most special needs parents in the same boat as me have definitely grieved this. But I think two people outside of our realm don't not our realm, our world, our life. Apparently I don't think they don't I don't think they stop and think about the fact that we grieve the fact that we would rather deal with the pain and suffering of losing our children first because we know we can.

speaker-1: Dragons.

speaker-0: It sucks, but we can handle losing our child knowing that they spent their whole life being taken care of and loved, yeah, rather than us dying and not knowing who's going to be here to take care of them in the end after we're gone. Yeah. So then that's a grief in itself, but then it's also another grief thinking I have to grieve thinking about losing my child constantly. Yeah. it's like a double whammy. Yeah. It's not fun. But maybe you feel something.

speaker-1: And then you feel guilty for thinking those thoughts and

speaker-0: And ⁓ cycle. Yes. No. Yeah. That's something I know in this world that most parents definitely think about with, you know, some of our just varying diagnosis, profound children, just, you know, medically fragile kiddos. I know we all constantly just that's grieve we grief that we grieve on a regular basis. That's hard to say. Grief that you grieve. And I'm that's redundant. But yes, grief that we grieve is

speaker-1: Brief, yeah. Yeah.

speaker-0: That it that's a big one. And I think that that's something for sure that people just aren't don't even stop and think about unless they're, you know, with it head on. So but since we're talking about grief, ⁓ we're gonna introduce one of our new segments we're gonna do in all of the podcasts, and it is called Why'd You Cry This Week? And we we posted it on ⁓ social media and we had quite a bit of people that and Some of them were fun because that's the point of it. It's supposed to be, you know, something completely ridiculous, something that's, you know, related to our children or something that's related to another part of your life. But that's what makes it, you know, a good way to vent to get something off your chest where, you know, us as parents, we can all relate. And we were talking earlier. We were like, Well, which day? Yeah. Which day are you talking about? Multiple We cry all the time. Day long.

speaker-1: Yeah.

speaker-0: I mean, I cried this week, well, I guess Tuesday night because my son is a senior and I know this is normal for most senior parents, especially the mothers. ⁓ it's his last first day of school and then my brain goes on this crazy psycho trip of have I done everything I need for him? Do does he still need to learn this? Does he still need to learn that? What have I not done? Is he ready to do all these things? Like, you know, it's just like a never ending pit of just despair. Yeah. The bit of this I haven't seen that video forever. ⁓ yeah, that's in the vault. But yeah, and why else did I cry? I don't know. Why is it crystal? That is I mean, that's a legitimate one. That has nothing to do with being a specimen parent. That's just a big milestone in life that I am not ready to handle this next year. Yeah.

speaker-1: Wow. It's a big one. But you still have time with him.

speaker-0: He's Why are you so psycho all of a sudden trying to teach me everything? Yeah.

speaker-1: Catch up on everything that I haven't done.

speaker-0: So why did you cry this week? ⁓

speaker-1: There's there's been several, but there was okay. Did you watch Ted last

speaker-0: So I have seen one season of it.

speaker-1: Okay, well we just we liked all the Ted lassos. Anyways, there was a reel and it was it was Ted and he's playing darts and he's talking to but not that I've seen that whole but the whole that is I'm telling you that is one of the best episodes I think in TV is just that whole episode. Okay and the at the scene and I don't know why. I really don't know why. I'm not I wasn't just tearing up. Like I was like

speaker-0: I've seen that one, yeah. You've seen the real? What's real?

speaker-1: Ted Lass over. Why am I so emotional over this? But he's talking about getting to know people and being curious and asking questions and like like you know just talking to people and knowing who they are. And I don't know why. I was just like, let's let's run. ⁓ Anyways. ⁓ man.

speaker-0: Live lessons from Ted Lasso. Ted's a made up character. Actually. So since we did post this on social media and we got some feedback, ⁓ I'm not gonna say names yet because we're still in that transition phase. I don't wanna call people out if they don't want their names to be, you know, out on the sound waves, whatever you call podcasts. I don't know.

speaker-1: And less ⁓ Ted has some good lessons, actually.

speaker-0: ⁓ I had a friend that said that she cried this week because her son made a new friend. So I know her personally, and I know her kiddo, he's on the spectrum, and that's a big deal for some kiddos with autism. So I was like, ⁓ that's amazing. And that would definitely be something worth crying over for sure. And then another mom said that she cried because she found out she's not cancer free, and that is a hard one. That is definitely one that ties into Our segment, an episode today about grief. Because that is definitely one that we as moms especially think about and grieve over all the time, you know, when it comes to our health. And that's also gonna be another episode down the road is you know, parent health and taking care of us as parents. So ⁓ yeah, it's hard, it's hard to tell if what we're grieving also, you know, transitioning out of the wide you crawl this week. ⁓ if it's something that we're grieving in the moment or it's something that's basically been simmering underneath. Because sometimes when I cry, it's just because I've been holding so much in. Yeah. And it's just like all of a sudden the smallest thing just triggers it and I am done. Yeah. So I think that's a I mean, I'm sure most of us are that way when it comes to I just what makes us cry so easily.

speaker-1: I think that was some of my problem or not problem, but some of mine because we you know, Lucy had her surgery. We had been building up this whole summer to anticipating her surgery. And then while we were at the hospital and doing everything, like I just held it together the whole time. I I know I I got a little emotional when the doctors came out and told us everything was good. I got a little emotional then. Yeah. But then it was all the recovery and stuff, and we're just having to do stuff with her and all these different things and getting her situated and taking care of her. And then we got home and it's just You know, and then I watch Ted Lasso Reel and I'm like why

speaker-0: Yeah. Just let it that's probably why you cried so much.

speaker-1: I know it is. I'm sure it is. But then it's like ⁓ three, four minutes of just a good like sob. It feels really good.

speaker-0: But yeah, ⁓ the the grief we don't talk about. I think there's a lot of us, I know me personally, like I I don't that's not something I talk about on a regular basis. I don't talk about how much I cry, I don't talk about what I worry about, what I stress over, what I grieve. I mean, I feel like most of us probably

speaker-1: Really good. I know.

speaker-0: That's a burden a lot of us feel like we carry alone. Yeah. You know, or maybe it's just me. Maybe a lot of people are more open with their feelings than I am. I also feel like in the past, when I've been a little bit open about things that I've carried, it's received in a weird way or a negative way. So or it or it's it comes with pushback. And when that happens, I'm like, well, then I'm not gonna put myself out there anymore. Yeah. When I'm you know, when I'm vulnerable and then it's, you know, throwing back at me, I'm like, Well, never mind. No one wants to hear about my griefs. So I'm keeping it in.

speaker-1: I think that's a lot of the reason for not talking about the grief is because you don't think that people don't want to hear, you know, what I'm going through. People don't really necessarily care about my situation or or whatever. And they don't relate either most of the time. You just kinda

speaker-0: That's why it's the same old. How's your day? How are you? ⁓ how are you? Good. Fine. And that's, you know, we go about our merry way. Yeah. There's no, you know, substance behind it. What would you say was a time that like, is there a time that you've really remember that you feel like will stay with you forever? That like was a time where grief just hit you out of nowhere. ⁓ gosh. And not like diagnosis, you know what I mean? Like not those. Obviously that are expected. You know what I mean? Yeah. Something that was more like quiet or subtle.

speaker-1: Sometimes I think it's also it's also when it happens to her, like when it has really hit her the the situation that she's in, because that's hard. Whenever she's upset and she's crying and she's saying it's not fair. I because I remember one time And it was to do with the trampoline. Like there was just one time that she, you know, they were jumping on she had some friends, they were jumping on a trampoline. And I think just in that moment, it just really, really hit her that, you know, she doesn't get to just jump on the trampoline like a normal kid. Like I can hold her and jump on it or she can sit on it and just be bounced. And and that's been several years ago now. But that one really sticks with me because I mean, she just she just started crying so hard. And so I just w you know, went over there and just held her and we both just bawled. And then I just picked her up and we got on the trampoline and jumped on the trampoline and or maybe Byron did. I can't remember. It may have been him that got her and jumped on the trampoline, but

speaker-0: You're like you take her, I can't deal with this. I don't

speaker-1: Well and also I'm like, I don't know if I'm gonna pee my pants or not if I jump to the trampoline.

speaker-0: And babies.

speaker-1: really know what's gonna happen.

speaker-0: It's a universal universal experience of your moms.

speaker-1: That one has been several years ago, but that one definitely sticks with me because she was brokenhearted over that.

speaker-0: Yeah. I think I think I talked about the one I've dealt with the most recently that was unexpected and it was the hospital bed. Yeah. ⁓ and I know that sounds so crazy because there's so many people that their kiddos are always in hospital beds. But it's like it's almost not gone away. It wasn't like I was up there changing them yesterday, getting them ready for bed in his hospital bed. Just he's just laying there. I'm doing everything. And I'm like, this is it. Doing everything for him in a hospital bed. He has a wound. I had to like bled out of his freaking toe. He had to have his old toenail removed. I didn't realize the night before had blood all over his freaking sheets. And I was changing all that. And he's just kind of laying, you know, just laying there. He can't do anything. And I'm just like, this, you know, the hospital bed was really something that.

speaker-1: Forever. I know. ⁓ my gosh.

speaker-0: shouldn't have been that big of a deal. But just it was like everything just flipped. Because now we have poles and tubes and a hospital bed and lifts, you know, just all these things. And I'm like, this, you know, this is this is it forever. Just standing in his room that's a medical room that's just day after day after day. Just

speaker-1: was his last little kind of just a little boy

speaker-0: Yeah. He gave he gave his bed away and that was hard. Yeah. And it was, you know, a family that really wanted it and was excited about it. And I was happy about that. But, you know, just and it wasn't even his bed, he slept in his whole life either. He just didn't it for a few years. But it was more or less what it like symbolized, you know. Yeah. So I'm thinking, why am I like this?

speaker-1: Why are you the way you are? It is, it is crazy how it does. Just it really hits you in the sometimes in the craziest ways, unexpected.

speaker-0: I'm like, I have spent how many nights over how many years getting him ready for bed? And it's the exact same routine, exact same situation. And yeah, just in that moment, it was just one of those times where I was just like, wow, I've I'm really struggling with this right now. Yeah. So, you know. But I think I think just all those big things like that, the big milestones, I think it's expected to grieve about. And I think that's stuff people are more willing to talk about. out loud because you see it more on social media too. You know what I'm saying? Like that stuff's all over. But like the grief no one warns you about, I think, is the the stuff that's harder to deal with on a regular basis, if that makes sense. You know what I mean? Because I think there's a lot of us as parents that just there's certain things we're afraid to talk about and say out loud. You know you know what I'm saying? Yes. Yes.

speaker-1: Because yeah, you don't wanna burden people a lot of times with the things that you're struggling with or going through. Yeah. ⁓ especially if they don't have kids with special needs, because like we said, they don't necessarily understand it. They just can't relate, maybe is

speaker-0: Yeah. But they're still not able to even remotely understand it at a fundamental level. Yeah. You can logically be like, Yeah, I get that. But no, not really, you really don't.

speaker-1: you don't wanna be not annoying, but it's just like, here's Mariah again talking about how hard it is, how much you know what I mean? Like you but me, like, ⁓ well, she's yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a hyper friend where they're just like, okay, here she comes. She's gonna whine and complain about

speaker-0: You don't want to be that exhaust yeah you don't want to be the exhausting friend but at the same time it's like if you're if you're really my friend this is a part of who I am and you also have to realize like these are legitimate struggles that I'm going through. You know I think one of the main things we all would experience is like just trying not to be bitter. Just it's so easy to get caught up in that. Just you see other families you see other people you see other kids and you're stuck in this mundane rut of

speaker-1: Yes.

speaker-0: over and over and over of exhaustion of all these cycles and you know there's no way out because it is it is forever, you know, it's permanent. It's not changing. It's not going anywhere. And I mean I have to stop myself so much from just trying not to be bitter about things. Is the as whoever once said one time ago. I don't even know who said that. Everyone says it now.

speaker-1: Comparison is the thief of joy. But every but it is a good it's a good you know it's a good thought. It's a good expression because it is because you can look around and and and you can be like must be nice, must be nice all your kids can walk, it must be nice all your kids can talk and ⁓ you know that they can actually feed themselves and and it does. It just leaves

speaker-0: You don't have crazy behavior meltdowns in public and you can actually take your kids' places. Yes.

speaker-1: ⁓ and it is. It's just like you can have these thoughts and just the bitterness can just continue to overwhelm you. And and then what type of person are you?

speaker-0: Yeah, and then it's like a cycle you're stuck in. And then you've you're mad at yourself for feeling bitter about your life and your kids, even though you love your kids and then you had to plug yourself out of it. And then it just it goes on and on. It's never ending.

speaker-1: Do you usually feel guilty for your grief?

speaker-0: Do I feel guilty for my grief? All the time. I feel guilty for the grief that I grieve. Yeah. ⁓ yeah. I do. And then I have to chastise myself for it. But I mean, there's there's a lot of things that I feel guilty for grieving. Whenever you think about, you know, I think a lot of us are. I mean, maybe I'm the only one who thinks this. ⁓ the The darkness sometimes, not darkness, that's the wrong word. Yeah. In my mind, the the crazy things that it goes where I just think, why, you know, sometimes I think why us? Why our family? Why Dawson? You know, why is he the kid that out of all the kids in families that wanted to have a baby, that he was the one who had this traumatic thing happen to him that should have been caught by a doctor. Yeah. Was you know what I mean? And why is he the one having to suffer for it? And then I agree with that, but then I'm like, no, I'm then I feel guilty about thinking that way and grieving that about my kid because then it then I feel guilty that I'm wishing he wasn't himself or wishing he was another way. Yeah. and basically I wish that or want that because I want his life to be easier because that's what he deserves. He deserves to not have to deal with this. I mean, I would take it from him in a heartbeat if I could. Yeah. But I can't, and I grieve. the cycle that comes with wishing I could take it from him, wishing he had an easier life. But it's obviously the life he doesn't have. Yeah. And it's not fair to him. And it's not fair to all the other babies. It's not fair for Lucy. It's not fair for everyone else. Like, you know, another another thing is I'm I don't know. This this is a very specific instance that just happened with like social media ⁓ when it comes to like grief and like not being willing to like share with people who don't get it. ⁓ was because I'm Do you always get told by people how strong you are? ⁓ you're so strong. You're so you know I don't mean physically strong, but you

speaker-1: Well I am physically strong too. Let's let's be

speaker-0: Ma'am, yes, no, but you know what I mean. ⁓

speaker-1: cardio. I've been I bench pressed one twenty ⁓ the other day.

speaker-0: I'm kidding. You can't allow up standards without breathing hard.

speaker-1: Yeah, like or like I don't know how you do it. Yeah, you're just you're yeah, you're strong or you you ⁓ or yeah, God gives special needs kids to special people. Okay.

speaker-0: Take that one. That's such a pop out. I'm sorry. You just don't want to have a hard conversation with people about that. Yeah.

speaker-1: And it's just no, no, you basically just y they're your kids, so you basically just have to do it. There's there's no other options.

speaker-0: Well, when I was I posted, you know, and I don't always normally I post like normal things about Dawson or Deacon or the kids, whatever. You know, just for like basic updates. But I posted one that was a little bit more like vulnerable. And it was about just the changes and him coming home and his hospital bed and all that stuff. I I remember or I read it. Where it was just comments. ⁓ You're fine, you'll get through it like you always do, or you're a strong person, blah blah you know, and I'm like, says who? Like you see the perfectly curated social media post that I want you to see. That's all you know about my life. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Yeah. You don't know, you know what I mean? Like you don't see the days where I'm emotional that I'm crying doing the dishes because something happened and I'm just

speaker-1: Yeah.

speaker-0: grieving through something in that moment and trying to like they don't see all that stuff. Yeah. So who says that I'm just such this strong person that I'm always dealing with and going? Like you don't know that.

speaker-1: Are these people that just r you don't know really well or they don't know you very well? Like these aren't like

speaker-0: No, some of these are people like I've known since like we were kids. ⁓ okay. You see what I'm saying? But I'm like, you're just you're making assumptions just because I've dealt with this like that, because they're my kids and I have to do it because I have no choice. Yeah. Yeah. Like you don't see and I think it's like that for all special needs parents. Like you don't see the grief behind the closed doors. You don't see the everyday struggle that I think we all go through. And what we which, you know, there are some people I feel like that are oversharers when it comes to what they put on social media. Yeah. And I try not to be an oversharer. And I like the one time that I kinda was vulnerable, I was like, Well, now I don't wanna ever be wrong. again. What you know what I mean? Just I don't know. ⁓ no. Grief is hard it's weird and it's hard to explain unless you experience it on a regular basis. Yeah. I don't yeah. I don't know.

speaker-1: And sometimes you just have to I don't know, I don't want to just try to push through it and not go through it. Right. You know what I mean? Like when those waves of grief do come, like I you know, I usually just get my cry on and then I I usually feel better and I usually feel better the next day a lot of time. Like there was that one ⁓ my gosh, that whenever we were doing the the stuff with Lincoln for his ⁓ endocrinology stuff since he just was not growing and then we had done his growth hormone test and all these things and I'm at school with kids in my class and I get a call and it's the doctor and I'm like I have to answer this. And so then I, you know, go out in the hallway and it's the doctor and she's telling me ⁓ that we have to get our MRI on his brain. And I was just like I had no clue that that was the next step. Like I had no clue he's gonna have to have an MRI

speaker-0: Yeah.

speaker-1: And I really don't know why. It just caught me so off guard. And I just like I was like losing it at at that moment. And so I'm like I'm like texting our principal and I'm just like, I need someone to come into my room right now because I'm about to lose it. Like I am ho barely holding on to just bawling my eyes out. And she's like, ⁓ okay. So somebody comes in and I go out to my car and I'm just sitting in my car and I'm just like weeping. And I d like I really wasn't that you know, he got a ⁓ R I on his brain, everything was fine. His brain was great.

speaker-0: It was just the tipping point of the grief that was already simmering. It's just like

speaker-1: It was he already has SMA and then now we have this growth hormone stuff that we're having to deal with too on top of that. I just was like

speaker-0: ⁓ my gosh. I've I have friends I've talked to about a lot of things. And I think a lot of things that a lot of us are afraid to say out loud, but we, you know, and you might be like, no, I've never thought that. Was like, you know, I wish this wasn't my life. Like, there's a deep part, I think, in the back of our mind that we all experience on those dark days where we're like, why, why is this my life when so many other people They're, you know, their life seems perfect. They, their kids are great. But why am I the one who's stuck in this and having to deal with this day after day after day? And I don't think there's anything wrong with thinking that. I think it makes us human. You know, I think it's what you do after you have that thought that kind of defines you as a parent. And you know what I mean? But like those thoughts, I just I think it's important for people to know they're not alone in thinking on and that it's not bad to think on, that it's just what you do in lieu of thinking on that. You know, is the most important thing. Yeah.

speaker-1: It's very fleeting quick thoughts sometimes that can just be like or like it would be you know, it would just be easier. Some th sometimes things would just be so much easier if you had a different life and if you went a completely different path in you know, whatever.

speaker-0: So the idea of grief isn't something I think a lot of people when they think of like mourning a loved one or mourning not mourning, grieving the things that we grieve. A lot of people are like, why aren't you over that yet? Like you've grieved it or that that happened a year ago. Why haven't you moved on? But this is the kind of grief that isn't something that like you finish. I think the grief that we all are thinking of when we think of our lives and our children is grief that's just long term and never ending. And some of them may stop. Yeah, some of them we may put behind us, but then like we said earlier, like it's a cycle and something new is always gonna rear its ugly head and show up. So it's basically just nonstop. Yeah.

speaker-1: Very much and some of them are some of them are big I think things that come through that you grieve and then some of them are are maybe not that big of a deal or they're maybe not big things but but they're still it's still there.

speaker-0: Yeah. They show up in those moments where we're probably at our lowest or most vulnerable. Yeah. And then like with the like with the bed. Yeah. It's just one of those moments where things just kind of show up and, you know, holidays. We don't participate in a lot of holidays, first of all, because we're so far from family, but because it's just too far to go anywhere and see anybody with Dawson. Yeah. Because of just how high his needs are in traveling. So and I see Families together all the time. All these people going and doing all these fun holiday events and parties and all these things where they're able and we just if we get invited to anything, only one of us goes. Yeah. We have to like flip coin who gets to participate this year or go and hang out and actually have a life because the other one has to stay home with our kid. Yeah. Yeah. So that's that's one of those situations where social media can be horrible. It's it's a blessing and a curse because of being able to to connect with other families and getting support. I have a lot of amazing friends that I've met online that have kids similar to mine ⁓ that have made my life better just from connecting that way. But then also the things that you see, these perfect little pictures of families in life, and it's like, well, I don't get to do that. I don't have that. My kids don't get to do that. Yeah. So it's yeah. It just it just adds to the grief if you if you let it, you know, pile up.

speaker-1: There.

speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah. Compare yourself to everything. One thing to remember that grief doesn't prove that you love your child less. I think a lot of people struggle with like, I'm bitter, I'm sad, I need to break this, this, this, this. ⁓ that means I don't love my child. No, like you you love your child so much that you're putting so much of your whole being into them that that's why you feel this way. So, you know, I think the people with the extreme grief or the ones that are just, you know, loving their child endlessly. And that's, you know, that's what's important. Transitioning out of that, because, you know, they there's definitely joy. You know, finding those those moments where nobody else would get, but that we see how big they are shows us that in the middle of all the grief, it's important to always find the joy because then you're just consumed in the grief permanently. And it's hard to come out of if you don't find the joy in those in those things. So is there something to you that's been completely normal? that's normal to you now, every day a part of your life that you would have felt like terrified about if you had to deal with like early on in Lucy's diagnosis? You know.

speaker-1: When you have your your newborns and you got the the carrier and you have to take the time to get them in the car and situate it and all these things. And then a natural progression of that is eventually they get older, they can get in the car themselves, they can buckle themselves up, they're independent, they can do all those things. You know, that's just kind of the natural progression. And it's like When we first got our diagnosis, it was always just like, okay, you in the wheelchair, you take a out of the wheelchair, put the wheelchair in the back of the car, and it's just like these steps that just it takes time and you you and then you gotta you get out and you get the wheelchair and you put all the different things. You know, that natural progression would be that there is just everybody get in the car and we're buckle up and we go. And you don't really get to do that.

speaker-0: Yeah.

speaker-1: But but at first, like I don't know why it would bother me so much. Just the wheelchair, loading it, unloading it, getting in, getting out, all these different things because you just want it to be quicker. You know what I mean? Like you just wanna want it to not take so much time to do s and now it's just like whatever.

speaker-0: It's just you know.

speaker-1: of everything that you just do, but I just remember like just when we first got our wheelchair and stuff and it just was like, This is it. Like this is what we do all the time.

speaker-0: This this we have to the end of the day, I wanna encourage people because I'm guilty of it, but I know it's easier to tackle life when you're still finding the good and the joy in the midst of the grief and everything. You know, because it's it makes life more bearable when you can find the joy and the good in it. You know, wrapping it up kind of goes back to why we chose the name that we did, right? Even if you know even if I still grieve, even if our kids never Reach milestones. Even if life looks nothing like the one any of us ever imagined. Even if acceptance doesn't mean I'm never sad about it ever again, because let's face it, we're gonna constantly be sad. Yeah. What comes after you? Next time.

speaker-1: Even if we'll see.