Episode 9 - When Self-Care Isn't Enough

speaker-0: Welcome to Even If the Special Needs Parenting Podcast. I'm Michaela. ⁓

speaker-1: And I'm Maria. Hello. Well, I'm good.

speaker-0: How are you? Is it is Sunday the end of the week or Sunday the beginning of the week?

speaker-1: Sunday's weird for us. And I know it is for you too, just because it's just a it can be a long day. It's a long day. And

speaker-0: ⁓ yeah. And but I've always wondered, like on the calendar it's at the beginning of the week, but I feel like it's at the end of the week for some reason.

speaker-1: reason. Yeah. And then for us we're a f we're only a four day school week. So we don't have school on Monday. ⁓ yeah. So then that makes it just I don't know. It just makes it feel like it it is nice 'cause Sundays are long days for us. So not having school tomorrow is nice.

speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah. Well Sunday's a work day for me, so I literally only have one a one day weekend. So yeah, 'cause weeks are fun. What time church? depends on the day. Latest by eight thirty. Yeah. I know that's not super early, but

speaker-1: Yes. What time do you get to church? Well, I mean we get here at eight forty five, so that's

speaker-0: Yeah, Sunday school starts at nine, so ⁓ I gotta be there a little early because we have some kiddos that will show up early, so yeah. Yeah, so yeah, fun long weeks. But anyway, so if you listened to our episode last week, we talked about the cost of keeping it together. And after that, we've gone on social media and we've asked parents what they do for self care, and we got some funny and some awesome answers. And then we asked a harder question. ⁓ and those answers showed us that self-care matters, but sometimes we're expecting it to carry more weight than it possibly can. So ⁓ just a disclaimer, Mariah and I are obviously not mental health professionals. So ⁓ this week is basically just like talking about experiences, questions, ⁓ lived experiences that you know that we've gone through in our time as parents and other people that have mentioned. So we just wanted to put that out there that We are obviously not mental health professionals, but we will have one on soon. So, ⁓ on that note, do you feel like the definition of self care has changed since you became a special needs parent? Yeah. Like in what way?

speaker-1: It's just more of the little recharges.

speaker-0: Don't necessarily need them more than you used to

speaker-1: Like just being just a parent, I feel like s the recharges and having a girl's night or or something like that was really good. to just kind of carry you through. And I think there's more things that I've done that are more permanent things, you know, to help with my yeah, recharging, mental health, all those things. Yeah. Yeah.

speaker-0: Recharging. Yeah. I definitely feel like I seek out ⁓ self-care more than I did before. Yeah. Like I feel like I my brain, my body like needs it way more on a regular basis than I used to. Yeah. Or maybe that's me just getting old. I don't know. Who knows at this point. Yeah. True.

speaker-1: Maybe it's just being human in general. We just you know

speaker-0: Yeah. What about just tearing you need to take care of yourself? Does that ever feel helpful or does it basically feel like more of a responsibility? Like when 'cause you know we all get told that by people. Yeah.

speaker-1: I do think I think it felt more of a burden to me whenever my kids were younger because it just seemed like it was more of a something else for me to have to like put on my checklist, like one more thing. I gotta take care of myself. Yeah. One more thing for me to do. And I w

speaker-0: Why is that on a checklist? That shouldn't be something you now check mark at the end of the day.

speaker-1: But I do I do think I can think of a time where right now I'm you know, it's it's a little bit easier a lot of days. Not not every day, but a lot of days it's a little easier just with my kids being older. there definitely was a time where it just it almost just felt like a burden just to take care of yourself.

speaker-0: Yeah. Well, and I feel like mine's kind of been the opposite. Like as Dawson's gotten older, it's harder and more. You know what I mean? Cause and then it makes you think of those kids that those parents of families that have kids that get older and behaviors and needs get worse as they get older. So Yeah. I mean, I definitely think it's for all of us across the board, it can be a burden. And then we something we get tired of hearing all the time because we logically know we have to take care of ourselves. But that does not mean it's gonna happen. Yeah.

speaker-1: Or that yeah, that that you have time. Everyone's just when school starts back up and kids are going here and there and it just gets so busy and you end up being put on the back burner.

speaker-0: Transitioning out of that before we get into the good stuff. Why did you cry this week? How'd you cry this week? Well

speaker-1: Do you want me to go first or do you want

speaker-0: No. Mine's mine's dumb not dumb, but after I cried and like 'cause it was nothing that happened. Maybe this tells you about the state of my mental health. Do you ever like think about scenarios in your mind or things that are going to happen in the future and you just get emotional about it? Like, for example, I don't even know what triggered it, because everything else is apparently inconsequential. But it made me think about when Darby graduates and leaves. Like she this sounds weird saying like my daughter is one of my people, like my person, you know what I mean? Yeah. But like she is one of my persons. And I know she's going to like go off and that's what's what it should be, right? Yes. I have two sons. I don't know what, you know, Dawson's obviously gonna be with us forever. Deacon, we're still yeah in between phase. We don't really know what's going on. But she and that's the way it should be, right? Kids should leave their parents' house and go on and do all the amazing things in the world. But at the same time, I'm at the same time I'm like, don't leave me. Yeah. Yeah. And I was just thinking about it, you know, and it just I was crying for a multitude of reasons about being sad that, you know, because she's an important part of my life, but then being happy and then you know, not having her To make me feel somewhat normal of a parent compared to how I feel a lot of times when it's all about Dawson, you know, like she's the one that grounds that aspect of being a special needs parent. And I don't know, I was just really emotional that day. And the more I thought about it, I was like, wow, I'm really pitiful today crying about something that hasn't even happened yet.

speaker-1: That's a lot. Yeah. And then you

speaker-0: Well, I I was really good.

speaker-1: Ellie you know, Ellie had her sixteenth birthday and I it I didn't get just super emotional. I did a little bit that is, it's a big one and and I'm kinda like I can leave

speaker-0: It's a big one. Yeah. ⁓

speaker-1: I don't know. It's it it's a lot whenever the kids start getting older and you're like, I only have a few more years left with them. So try to get I was really good until today. I ⁓ man, I did not do good during church today. I Byron was talking on grief and so he's d in second Samuel and he was talking about ⁓ David. He read David's Lament over Saul and Jonathan dying.

speaker-0: But ⁓

speaker-1: And so at the very end of his sermon, he's just, you know, talking about how everyone grieves differently and and it, you know, whether you are losing someone or, you know, for us in our situation, it could just be grief over a life that, you know, wasn't the way it was supposed to be. And it's just like good grief. And then I had to sing a song after all that and I was already crying. And I cannot make it through this song. I have sung it so many times and I can never make it. And I've sang it at a friend's funeral. several years ago. And it just I and I'm like, how is it possible for me to play the keyboard and sing and yet my mind is gone off somewhere else? I'm like, how is that even possible? I just Yes, I'm multitasking. And so I'm leading this song and I'm thinking about all these things. And so the this verse, I can never make it through it, says

speaker-0: I get yes.

speaker-1: All the waiting will be over. Every sorrow will be healed. All the dreams it seemed could never be will all be real. I cannot make it through that line ever, ever. And you'll gather us together in your arms of endless grace as your bride forever when we see your face. So I don't make it through it. I'm already crying. And then finally the song's over. I just bolt out of there awkwardly. Like I awkwardly just leave the stage when the song is over. And I Well I well and I did go to the bat I went to the bathroom and I just bawled my eyes out. I was just like, golly, I thought I was doing pretty good this week, but no.

speaker-0: Well if if Sunday's at the beginning of the week then you did make it a full week. That's true.

speaker-1: True. That's true. Maybe. I mean I did I was a little emotional with Ellie turning sixteen. But it wasn't I but I balled today. It was it was it was bad. So I know and Darby's right behind her. A few months behind her.

speaker-0: I did. One. She's that old. These kids.

speaker-1: I know. I know. So sometimes crying is sim simply a release after a hard day. other times it's one of the signs that something deeper has been building. So that brings us to today's questions. When do we need basic self care? And when might we need more?

speaker-0: So this this is the the post that we put out on social media ⁓ basically about what what are people's go-to self-care, you know, situations. And some of them were so good and some of them were funny. And some of them I'm like, ⁓ I never thought about that. And I thought it was great for everyone to scroll and read. Yeah. There was lots of comments of, you know, people agreeing with things that they do. ⁓ that just really makes a difference. So, you know, this this segment right now is just strictly about self-care. So, you know, self-care is those things like one person said sleep. Yes. Sleep is definitely a major mode of self-care. I love sleep. yeah. One person said hide in the bathroom. And that that made me laugh because I've done that. Yeah. ⁓ I'm using the bathroom. Give me a minute. And yeah, no, I'm just hiding. Or ten. ⁓ someone said Nutella by the spoonful. I'm not a Nutella fan, but yeah.

speaker-1: You don't like chocolate, so you don't like Nutella.

speaker-0: Yeah, and it's chocolate hazelnut, so you know. Newtell is great. ⁓ one person said that they craft that they binge audiobooks, sleep. Some some one person said they take a bath. I'm I'm a big bath person. ⁓ Doom Scroll. Doom scroll was on there a lot and I'm guilty of the Doom Scrolling. Well so it is what it is.

speaker-1: I know somebody somebody asked what Doom Scrolling was and I don't know if if it ever got answered or not. So so Doom Scrolling is basically just getting on TikTok or whatever your reels, Instagram reels, whatever, and just scrolling through all those.

speaker-0: Did they? That's funny. Yeah. Let me see. ⁓ yeah. One said that she hides in her car. That made me laugh as well. ⁓ because I get it. There are times when you just need a break and you gotta go somewhere where your kids or your spouses cannot find you. Yeah. ⁓ there's a lot of people that read, there's a lot of people that craft, and I love that. Someone said that they're ⁓ if they're done for the day and they're at home, they will drink a tall glass of red wine. ⁓ one person said that they ⁓ will use Noise canceling headphones, which I think is hysterical 'cause you know what, sometimes you just need to cut out a little bit of that background noise. Yes. That is just messing with your emotions for the day.

speaker-1: got a pair for Christmas. I love my it sometimes it is annoying because you have ⁓ on and you really you cannot hear anything and then my kids are s you know come up to me and I'm like, What? ⁓ Trying to listen to something or I don't even have anything going on in them. It's just like they're just there on your ears and they're just you just don't hear anything. It really is great.

speaker-0: Do you think that there are some more than others that just genuinely restore us? Or do you think it matters just for each person and what they need in those moments?

speaker-1: I mean, I think some of those are more of a long like to me, like crafting, that's something that's ongoing. You know, that's something that you can start a project and you can keep going back to it. So I think that's definitely a good self-care thing. ⁓

speaker-0: Like crocheting if you're making something like

speaker-1: bath every day and that's something that you enjoy doing. ⁓ some of them may be just kind of more random moments that you just I need to go take a walk right now. I don't normally walk, but I'm gonna go take a walk.

speaker-0: Yeah, and that's what you need in those moments. Yeah. Do you think self care has to be productive, like the crafting or you know, the the people that are doing specific things like that? Or do you think that it just can be mindless and something just baseless?

speaker-1: Yeah. No, I think I think whatever works for you, some of it may be a personality thing. It may be self-gare t you to be productive. Yeah. You know? Like I love cleaning my car. And that doesn't like it real it is it is therapeutic for me to clean, vacuum my car out, take through the car wash. I like a clean car. I'm being productive. Yeah. I get away for like an I mean, I'm in there for an hour sometimes just vac cleaning my car out. And I like it clean and it makes me feel good.

speaker-0: It may be

speaker-1: And so you know, that's but then sometimes I just wanna scroll on Instagram. That is not productive.

speaker-0: Definitely not productive. Not even a little bit. Yeah. Why do you think something as small as just having one of those small breaks? Even like sitting down and drinking a cup of coffee in the morning, you know, in a quiet house. Why do you think that those feel so enormous to those of us as that are caregivers?

speaker-1: There's there's a lot of times that it I think it's so hard because there's times that you you need that alone time because maybe you need to process things and you need to think through things. ⁓ you need your cup of coffee, maybe you need your Bible, you know, in the morning and you just need to be in the word and and and you know, that's that's a great time to do that. But then other times we feel lonely and so then you need other people too to To be able to spend time with and to to vent to or have a girl's night or whatever. I yeah, I don't know. I don't know. What do you think?

speaker-0: Or I mean, to to so many other people, it's like that's just an everyday part of their life that they get to have all these little stolen moments by themselves because yes, they might have children, but their children don't need eighty-seven million things in a twenty-four hour period. Yeah. Like the majority of us do. So they don't they don't realize that even having a moment of silence can just be the fine line between, you know, tipping over a breaking point. Yeah. So I don't think that it's something a lot of us even give a little bit of thought to whenever we're in those moments where we get a minute that we're not just thinking, ⁓ you know, this is enormous for me. No. We're just we're so excited to have those moments of just peace for however long it is that we take it and then we're able to hopefully recharge for a minute for Whatever we get, it doesn't have to be coffee, it can be whatever it is. Even if it's, you know, hiding in the bathroom for ten minutes, you know. I think it's just important for us to always move forward and to find those little moments, regardless of what it is. Because, like I said, like that's one of those things that could just be the fine line between a tipping point or a bad day to where, you know, we go over the edge and and it's hard to come back from. Yeah. Self-care is important and it does make a big difference. And there's a lot of things that it can help with. There's also things that self-care cannot fix. Because of that, we also, you know, had a prompt on social media that was that basically said self-care helps me blank, but it can't blank. And there were several really good ones that like make you kind of stop and think that yes, self care is important, but it's not the end all be all to the things that we deal with on a regular basis. Like one person said, self care gives me a breather for a little, but it doesn't take the constant worry of something happening or the worry of what's next. Someone else said, Self care is appreciated, but knowing when to tap into my support system is what g keeps me going and my support people give me the lift I need. ⁓ someone else said, Self care helps me by distracting me, but it can't stop me from thinking this is my fault. I think there's a lot of parents that have Those intrusive thoughts about things being their fault. That stuff is still real after self-care. We are in constant mode, even approaching adulthood. ⁓ another one said self-care helps me stay present and regulate, but it doesn't help me carry the load day after day. And the last one said, Self-care helps me catch my breath, but it can't take away the constant worry about all my responsibilities. So, you know, that's a lot of people that admitted that yes, self-care is good for X, Y, and Z. But at the end of the day, there's still always something still there that self care is not capable of taking away or fixing. Yeah. Have you ever returned from a break, like a self care break? ⁓ and then immediately like fell back into your old routine and just felt overwhelmed all over again.

speaker-1: Think there's been so many times that I've gone and done something or like even right now, just being able to like record this for however long, I'm telling you, instant I walk in the house, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, which you know, some of that's just being a parent, you know. Yeah. But yeah. But there are times it's just like, ⁓ my gosh, what do I what has to be done right now when I walk straight in from

speaker-0: The door. They missed you so much.

speaker-1: You know, the the house somehow blew up. I've cleaned it all week and then now it's it's just destroyed again.

speaker-0: Yeah. It's amazing how that happens. We're in our house long enough to dirty it up, but we're not in it long enough.

speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying like I'm trying to think of you know, this summer we we had a nice just break going to Mexico and just enjoying our anniversary and everything. And then we picked, you know, Lucy and Lincoln up from MDA camp and and you know, it's just you're just right back at it. Yeah. You know, you're just right back in everything and It's those little time frames are so, so nice, but it is it can be overwhelming sometimes whenever you get back home and you're like, ⁓ wow, here we go again.

speaker-0: Well yeah, and then it's almost like more overwhelming because it's like what didn't get done for a week when I'm gone that needed to get done? ⁓ I put calling doctors and doing this on hold and ⁓ now it's you know tenfold because I stopped doing it for seven days when it's used to being done, you know, every single day. Yep. Do you think ⁓ this is something I think ⁓ most of us as parents feel guilty because self care did not make us feel better? You know, we took those moments Where we left and went on a vacation or had a a, you know, boy or girl's night out and we were away from our kids and our kids missed us, but we were like in that moment where like we needed a break. But when we come back, we feel guilty and it didn't make us feel better. Have people suggested self-care and what we actually need was just straight up help? Like there's a lot of people I think out there. And I think I think most of us have these experiences where we can look back and be like, someone was basically quote, you know, unquote, lecturing me. about taking care of myself, but then they weren't willing to offer help from their end. Like they're preaching at me to take care of myself or do something for myself, but not possibly being helpful in a way that would allow me to be able to do that. Yeah. Do you think most of us have experienced something like that? ⁓ yeah.

speaker-1: Especially whenever you like, you know, it would be nice to maybe have a date, do something, you know, with your spouse or or or whomever. And like for us, we're not you and you too, we're not close to grandparents. We're not, you know, we don't have family close to us to help us out. And so then, you know, are you in a situation where you, you know, is a babysitter good enough? Maybe not. You know, you could just hire a babysitter.

speaker-0: Depending the situation.

speaker-1: Depending upon the situation, you you might need something else. Maybe there is somebody that could help you out in your situation that instead of just saying, Hey, you need self care, well, how about I can watch your kids for an hour? You know, I can handle I can handle

speaker-0: Yeah, well, and it's just an hour, you know, like yeah, you know, not we talk about it, you know, church all the time. We have some kids for two and a half to three hours, and some of them, without going into detail, it's a lot. Yeah. But then, you know, we remind ourselves we're like, we only have them for two hours or an hour or two and a half hours out of a whole week. And we're capable of dealing that because at the end of the day, that's what the parents need.

speaker-1: Go get groceries. We talk about you.

speaker-0: They're actually able to get a break, go to church, do something that they really want to be able to do that they wouldn't be able to do if we didn't have, you know, this program. Yeah. And it's so it's kind of the same premise. Yes, it's it might not be the easiest thing to watch someone else's kids, but you're only watching them for an hour and then you get to leave. Yeah. Like you're done. You get a break. You know, the parents have to come back and it's it's their life twenty four seven. Yeah. Start all over. Sometimes what we really don't need is another coping strategy. And I feel like, you we've have kind of lumped self-care into a coping strategy, but we need something or someone else to help carry what we're coping with. Yeah. So that kind of transitions into differentiating between self-care, mental health care, or practical relief, right? So self-care basically says I'm depleted and need something that helps replenish me. So those are kind of the examples that we all just went over, you know, food, rest. connection with people, time alone, breaks from caregiving, all you know, all these, all these things that are good and needed in a season when hopefully everyone is able to find something that makes a difference. But then we also have mental health care. Mental health care basically is broken down to you know our thoughts, our emotions or behaviors that are becoming persistent or overwhelming or you know even disruptive. ⁓ and when we look at those things I mean, when we think of mental health care, I think the first thing everyone thinks of is possibly therapy. Yeah. Right. You know, there's support groups. There's even medication, depending on, you know, the severity of the need, speaking with the physician or, you know, there's just there's so many things out there that could qualify underneath, you know, that specific area of mental health care. And then there's practical and structural support. And this isn't something I feel like gets talked about enough. ⁓ and basically that's when the circumstances themselves are unsustainable when you literally have to have some sort of intervention. Yeah. Right. Which is a long list of things in our, you know, our realm of parenting. Respite. That is a big break by a trained professional or someone who is willing to actually be there on a regular basis, not even just an hour, to make it more sustainable. Nursing care, financial assistance, care coordinator, social worker. You know, there's so many like large hospitals or programs that are just out there to provide provide these services that, you know, kind of tack onto that structural support demographic. And it's it's important to kind of, you know, differentiate between what we need depending on the situation. I know there's a stigma and we talked about it last week a little bit, a s little bit of a stigma tied to mental health and therapy. But I just think it's really important for us to realize when we get to a point when that's what we need. Yeah. And I know no one wants to get to that point where they say and admit out loud that they're at the end of some sort of proverbial rope, you know, to where that's like their only option. But the situations and circumstances that we all deal with on a regular basis, I think, elude to the fact that even if it's a one time thing in someone's life, I just want people to know and to stop and reflect and think. That doesn't mean I'm failing. It doesn't mean I don't love my kids or I'm not doing a good job when it comes down to to just basically the premise of needing therapy.

speaker-1: assume there's a lot of people, you know, in any realm that need therapy for so many different things. I mean, it really is a good tool. I don't you know, and like you said, it doesn't always have to be this ongoing thing for years and years and years. It may just be the season that you need a little guidance or s or just to to to talk to.

speaker-0: Yeah, some coping strategies. Yeah.

speaker-1: Therapy may help us cope with the load, but therapy cannot become respite. Self care may help us recover for a moment, but it cannot make an impossible situation reasonable.

speaker-0: Yeah, that's true. I mean they all they all have their place. And I mean more or less, let's face it, we all need to do all three. When you do everything. Yeah. Yeah. To be a little bit more well rounded in what we have to deal with on a regular basis. I mean, obviously self care isn't going to fix everything. Therapy's not gonna fix everything. It's just such a hard dynamic to navigate when we all just deal with so much. But I think the important thing is to just be more mindful and cognizant of the fact that there's a lot of things out there that can help. And it's okay to be willing to go and find things that will make a difference. Yeah.

speaker-1: Especially if if you are where you could have access, take advantage of it.

speaker-0: to those things. Yeah. Well, and there's so much therapy, you know, mental health tools, things available now online. You know, the internet's been around for a minute. But, you know, I feel like since COVID really we shifted into such a virtual world to where now it is way more user friendly to do those things online and virtually compared to what it used to be before. Yeah. You know, and then for For our perspective and our realm of things as parents, I feel like that's like that right there sets the pace for it because guess what? We can't leave our house because of our kids. Well, you know, ther or therapists can come to our house. Yeah. They can come to our couch. Yep. So I think that just makes a huge difference in us being able to push forward into trying to get some of that help that we need. You know, even though COVID sucked and it was It was a you know, that was a crazy time, man. ⁓ I don't I was talking to friends about the other day and I was like, that was like a fever dream. Like seriously. But there's been things that have been good that have come from it. Like

speaker-1: Like BC used to be Before Crush. Now B C is before COVID. 'Cause I'm like, wait, when did that that was before COVID? I remember that. Like

speaker-0: ⁓ The time. Yeah. They're gonna rewrite that in the history books.

speaker-1: I mean, but I do I think I really do think of so many th sometimes I think of things, ⁓ that was before I even knew what SMA was but then but then now it's kinda like, ⁓ that was before COVID happened.

speaker-0: So, you know, transitioning out of that, obviously those three areas are definitely important. ⁓ but I think to get to that, it's like, how do we get to the point of knowing we actually need therapy? You know, and that's I think each person has to internalize and look at themselves, you know, if they're at a point where that's what's going to be necessary for them, you know, because there's there's a difference in basically depletion, depression. ⁓ distress, like all these different areas and things that we, you know, we face on a on a regular basis. ⁓ so like, you know, for example, depletion. I think every human on the planet faces depletion at some point where, you know, you're exhausted, you're running on empty, but rest in support of what make you feel like yourself. So that's what you gotta do. You gotta find those moments to just sleep, to shut your body down, to shut your mind off, to just do what needs to be in those moments. And guess what? You're you know you're recharged, you're able to go again. Yeah. ⁓ but then distress, I think that's a big one where a lot of us get to I mean, I've been there, and that's when we really don't know what to do at that moment, you know, where nothing helps. Your mood stays the same, you don't get sleep, your concentration suffers, your relationship suffers. You basically have no functionality, if that's the right word. And I think that's when we get to a point where we have to realize this is the line of where we need. some additional help and support if that makes sense. Maybe some of these questions would be a good tool to use.

speaker-1: Whenever you are in those distressed mo Yeah, ask yourself if I received real rest, would I feel meaningfully better?

speaker-0: Moments. Yeah. Is this a difficult

speaker-1: Difficult season or has this become my everyday state? Yeah, because I think when it is a difficult season, I mean season obviously, it's it's it has an end to it. You you kind of can come out of the valley, you know, or whatever that that you might be in. Man, if you've been stuck, there's you if if there's something else that needs to be done, can I still experience relief, connection, or enjoyment? Am I functioning or forcing myself through every day?

speaker-0: Yeah, on a season. Yeah. Ooh, yeah, that's a big one. I think a lot of us just kinda are zombies and they go through we go through day after day just kind of on You're on auto. Yeah. We're on autopilot a lot of the times and that's true. And you know, that's not a fun way to live.

speaker-1: Are my usual coping strategies still helping? The things that you used to really enjoy and things that were helpful, do they still work?

speaker-0: Yeah. Have you kind of grown out of ⁓ Yeah, that's a big one.

speaker-1: What about sleep?

speaker-0: relationship work.

speaker-1: ability to care for myself, are those being affected? What about are you hiding how bad things are?

speaker-0: feel. Yeah. I think we all hide. I think we're all bad about keeping things close to the vest and not wanting to admit, you know, how bad things are. You know, that that's where the guilt comes in. If you're able to admit how bad things are, how you feel, ⁓ well that makes me a bad parent or that means that I'm not strong enough to deal with these things. No, that's not what that means. It's okay to it's okay to not be okay.

speaker-1: Have people that are close to me notice that I'm not myself. And hope

speaker-0: Yeah. Hopefully they're you a very good actor or actress and they don't see it.

speaker-1: Hopefully you do have a group of people that are close to you that can are you okay, is everything all right?

speaker-0: Yeah, you know, asked on the signs. Are you we might all ask these questions ourselves a lot and just end up not doing anything about it. And I think we're all guilty of waiting too long. You know, I think a lot of us get to that point to where sometimes we're at the end of our rope because we're just holding on and we're trying to just do what we've always done or do what we know that needs to be done. You know, one of those is with the the belief that our child's needs have to come first, which again Obviously, you have a very medical child, you have a very, you know, behavioral ridden child, their needs do have to come first. Yeah. But at the end of the day, back to self-care. If you're not ever able to put anything that you need for even a moment of time before their needs, that's whenever it gets to the point where it becomes too much. Yeah. You know, and a lot of times we also are bad about ⁓ The reasons we wait too long is a lack of time, money, child care and respite. I mean, that is a big one. There's so many of us that literally have no one who can take over even for a moment. You know, we don't live anywhere near family. We don't, we're we're a single parent. We don't have a support system. And at the end of the day, there are times when it's just not an option. I think we're all so bad about the fear of being judged. I mean, let's face it. We all want to be known as good parents, amazing parents. We don't want to be judged that. You know, we're failing or we're not doing a good job taking care of our kids. No one wants to feel that way. So I think that's another reason why a lot of us wait too long. That is

speaker-1: I mean a lot of that's just being pro when you're working it is it's hard.

speaker-0: Rightful. Yeah. It's hard not to. Yeah. You know, and I've I've been bad. You know, I've been bad about having the mentality of, ⁓ well, such and such has it way worse than me. Or at least I don't have to deal with this. So yeah, why am I going to try to get help or do something because I don't have it as bad as someone else? So maybe I just need to suck it up because what I'm dealing with isn't as bad as, you know, all these other people and what they have to deal with. And it's not okay to Again, we've talked about in many episodes about comparison causing so many issues when you compare yourself to so many other dynamics and situations in life because you have to think about no, this is my life that I'm living. Yep. Those other people have nothing to do with what I'm dealing with currently. So again, we need to stop comparing ourselves to them. Yep. You know, and I think one way to look at it, you know, from all of us is to stop and think, okay. That if I had a friend that desc describes the way I'm living, the way I'm acting, the things that I'm doing, would I tell her to keep pushing through and you got this? Or would I tell her that she deserves support and that she needs to ask for help? So I think that's a good another good way of thinking about it is what kind of advice are we giving to people who say that they're struggling with this and this and this and this? Are we just gonna say, good job, bucko, you know, suck it up and keep pushing? Or are we going to try to offer, you know, advice to get To help and ask for ask for these things. Yeah, we're probably gonna do that because you know, we wanna be good friends and we wanna give moral support to people in our lives. So I think that's a good way of thinking about it. Well, if someone was going through what I'm going, I would tell them this. So I need to take my own advice. Yeah. But again, that is always easier said than done. So I know we kind of just touched on the differences between self-care, mental health care. practical relief. And I think that that's just one thing it's important for us to really take a step back and focus on and differentiate what we're dealing with in each moment because ultimately we would hope that there's some things that are going to be able to provide relief and be helpful. Right. It's just a matter of really being able to identify in each of the the seasons, the scenarios, the things that we're dealing with, what's going to be What gets me through this next phase of being a caregiver for our children? Since mental health is definitely a big area and a big concern that a lot of people wanted to talk about, we are actually going to have a mental health professional, she's a licensed professional counselor, come on the podcast next week. So there's a lot of stuff that we're going to talk with her about, and we're going to kind of have some engagement on the podcast during this week. ⁓ because you know. There's things we want to ask her, we want to bring up, you know, that is something that's realistic for all special needs parents and what we're dealing with, right? ⁓ because there's things that that we want to know. So some of the questions that y'all might think about that we're hoping that we can push forward with this mental health professional is how how do we as caregivers essentially just distinguish burnout from depression or anxiety? How can someone ask for help before reaching a breaking point? Because I think Those breaking points come out of nowhere. But how do we know when we need to get to a point that we actually have to ask for help? Do you think there's anything else that would be good to ask a mental health professional as we go into the episode next week?

speaker-1: Can someone appear highly functional but still need help?

speaker-0: ⁓ yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. I think a lot of us appear to be highly functional but still need massive amounts of help.

speaker-1: And then what about like if w if therapy feels like one more appointment to manage?

speaker-0: ⁓ yeah. ⁓ I'm sure a lot of us would feel that way. Like you said, it's like a checklist. Gotta do this for the day, gotta mark it off.

speaker-1: Another thing to add. Yeah. And then what options are there whenever respite time, money, all those things are limited.

speaker-0: Yes, I think that's a good one that we need to discuss is realistic options because there are just some people that don't have the time to just sit and do therapy or talk to someone whenever they need it. And I think it's also important to ask what a caregiver might ⁓ expect from a thirst a first appointment because I think the fear of the unknown or just, you know, putting ourselves in a situation that we're uncomfortable talking about these things, I think it would be good for someone to talk about. what to expect. So going into this, if someone decides to move forward and start getting, you know, therapy with some professionals, maybe they won't be as afraid to do it if they kind of know what to expect going into it. Yeah. Yeah. So we will definitely have ⁓ some prompts and stuff via social media about this to hopefully, you know, move forward with things. So that way we can have a really good episode with her and talk about things that are just really going to be

speaker-1: Think that's good.

speaker-0: important and necessary for some of y'all. ⁓ if this is definitely if for some of y'all that this is an area that you've been contemplating, but you've been too afraid to take the leap on moving forward. Yeah. So thank y'all for listening today. And there's just, you know, just something for y'all to take with you ⁓ as we wrap up this episode is self-care asks, what can I do to support myself today? Mental health care asks, what support do I need that I shouldn't have to provide for myself? And practical help asks, what needs to be taken off my shoulders? Sometimes we need one, sometimes we need all three. Needing more than a break does not mean you failed at taking care of yourself. It may simply mean that what you're carrying was never meant to be carried alone.

speaker-1: So even if the little things help me breathe, I can admit when breathing room is no longer in that. We'll see you next time.